Back in 1984 Coleco was flush with Cabbage Patch money and Colecovision money, and they figured the best thing to do with all this cash was to plug it into a toy line starring heroic bug-men and their bug-steeds, who do heroic things on a planet of bugs. Thus was born the mighty empire of SECTAURS! And by "mighty" we mean "a total failure" because this toy line and its associated tie-in merchandising, which included a TV cartoon miniseries and this here comic book, vanished after finding out that the youth of America simply did not care about the adventures of bug-men on Planet Bug. Why is this? Let's find out!
As we can see Sectaurs are muscular square-jawed bug-eyed dudes with perms and antennae- very 80s- who ride giant flying spiders. Because spiders aren't creepy enough, they need to fly! Those flying spiders were actually pretty cool toys, you put them on like a glove and your fingers became the spiders' legs, enabling you to really annoy your sister. You were supposed to sit your little Sectaurs action figure on top of the spider so he could fly around fighting evil, but nobody did that. So, you have a toy that's reasonably interesting, how will the comic compliment our play experience?
It will compliment our play experience with lots and lots of dialog. Enormous wads of boring, superfluous verbiage- much like this website! - that never uses one word when ten or fifteen would do. Because that's what ten year olds want to read!
The mighty Pinsor and his mighty moustache extend greetings to you and your mate and your youngspawn!
Meanwhile our hero Dargon The Permed rides into battle atop the gloved hand of a 10-year old. Note the caption, which isn't satisfied with a mere "meanwhile." Paid by the word, I'm thinkin'.
Dargon thrusts his giant chin skywards and toasts the hunt with goblets of... something. Something green and sputum-esque. Mmm-MMM!
"To do so would be to admit my his death!" You see the problems inherent in cramming dialog balloons with overwrought sentences - after a bit it all becomes equally meaningless.
Oh no. Can't have him just thinking "I must inform the Empress" - it's gotta be a gigantic treatise about how sure he is that the Empress will pay him for telling her there's been a storm. And to what degree will he be paid? Don't leave that important modifier out! The five or six kids still paying attention to all this dialog will be very interested!
The tragedy of the unrequited bug love as expressed in thought balloons.
Devora of the Dark Domain, who is always shown in silhouette, commands her warriors to search Symbion for the giant ancient mcguffin things that control the weather so that she could one day rule this land of talkative bug people. Fun fact: this comic book ran for 7 more issues!
Of course to fully grasp the concepts inherent in SECTAURS, you'll need to spend a lot of time with this Map of the World Of Symbion, which includes things like the Sea Of Acid Rain and the Lake Of Blood and the Forbidden Zone and the Dark Domain. Sounds like Goth is starting a bit early on Symbion.
And the alphabet, of course, can't forget the alphabet when you're cranking out huge chunks of expository dialog. Seriously, who was supposed to read this comic? The fat, bloated word balloons are guaranteed to scare off toy-buying children, and the teens and adults reading other contemporary comics weren't going anywhere near comics based on things you find in the clearance aisle at Toys R Us. Of course to admit this would be to admit my his stupid comic! Farewell, SECTAURS! Farewell to you, and your mate... and of course, your youngspawn!
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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