REPORT OF THE PEOPLE'S STATE ESPIONAGE AND COUNTERREVOLUTIONARY ATOMIC SECRETS STEALING COMMITTEE, GRU HEADQUARTERS MOSCOW
June 14, 1954
Comrades, the glorious work of our dedicated operatives deep inside the counterrevolutionary capitalist United States has been a thrilling struggle with many successes. However, the principle of Marxist self-criticism demands we re-evaluate our past performances always.
Please to be paying attention to the following report, charmingly American-style illustrated.
First mistake made by agents is choosing for target average American man with no special characteristics. As we know from American documentary-type entertainment films program, average American routinely finds himself involved in the most outlandish escapades, and is somehow always overcoming through luck and keen American wide-awake never say die spirit, against which State Socialism has yet to find a defense.
Note to cell leaders; why must we always meet in janitor's quarters in basement? Is not dank and depressing? Why not meet somewhere above ground, bright, airy, cheerful? Might help plans in future. Please consider.
Capitalist fools have nothing better to do than play with dogs. Sometimes I start to wonder if Communist system is really better than the West, since in Russia we work all day in smelting factory and then must stand in line for toilet paper imprinted with Sputnik. Capitalists seem to have endless time to waste with animals, cigarettes, Patti Page records, Cinerama movies, and watching uncles parade around on television in dress. Also toilet paper in West is much softer. Perhaps I have been in West too long.
As we see here typical American male so beaten down by self-depreciating, emasculating Western decadence that he cannot even tell when alluring Russian woman wants him to roughly violate her border regions and cancel her free elections, if you are aware of the double meanings of my statements. I make joke.
Seriously, comrades, must beat American over the head with ample bosomy Russian-type woman charms before he getsmessage! Are all Americans so slow to consummate romantic entanglement? One would not know it from lurid pictorials starring the Marilyn Monroe, particularly SEVEN YEAR ITCH, let me tell you comrades, that one is making me rethink Party Oath.
I have been in West too long, maybe.
American finally gets the hint. Note pleasant surprise at slight glimpse of cleavage demolishing his backwards outmoded opiate-style Judeo-Christian morality.
Here we see Comrade Lila making first mistake. Has been too free with womanly charms of Russian! American male brain wired to expect demand for fur coat, new car, wedding ring. Target American can only think matrimony to perpetuate imperialist Victorian moral code of single unit "nuclear" family, even the name of which reveals desire of West to dominate the world with 2.5 children wielding atomic bomb!
Second mistake for Lila, thinking low-cut dress and slatternly Western style unchaperoned dating would deliver up atomic alloy plans. American has clearly stated his price - marraige! Comrade Lila should have taken American to Las Vegas on decadent capitalist Streamliner train, spent weekend in Sands shooting decadent Western-type craps and seeing Frank bust up Sammy's act at the Copa, wedding at any one of a hundred of prefabricated chapels brazenly exploiting Judeo-Christian tradition, and then once American is on the hook with wedding ring through nose, alloy plans will be easily obtained through traditional American situation comedy snoopy wife behavior which has uncovered many plans such as magical powers of wife next door or horse that talks as seen on decadent American documentary "Mister Ed."
Comrade Ferrik immediately overreacts and commits home invasion, kidnaping, and squirting of dog with ammonia. Do not advise agents attempt this strategem because chances are squirting dog will only make dog really really mad. Dog will bite face off and then must return to Russia with no face. Embarrassing. Next time either blackmail American with compromising photographs or offer American couple thousand dollars, this generally works.
Consequences of badly planned espionage are seen here as timid American, revealed as vengeful, rage-filled monster, savagely abuses Comrade Ferrik with help of vicious Bull Connor style dog attack. Other Americans stand by ready to assist in beating, their mob nature aroused by anticommunist hysteria. Vaunted American impartial justice system? Nowhere to be seen. Where is justice for Comrade Ferrik?
Of course mob beating of secret Communist kidnap atom spy cell in janitor's closet of Memorial Hall made all the scaremongering American yellow-journalism papers. 'Daily Worker' strangely silent about the whole affair. Sometimes I wonder about their journalistic integrity.
Perhaps I have been in West too long.
Remember Comrades, Westerners may play with dog and watch inane "Howdy Doody" type television program, but can be roused to violent action when any of their cultural signifiers - dogs, children, alloys - are threatened. Approach with caution! Success of Socialist domination of globe depends upon our diligence and perseverance!
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