Recently unearthed in a Pentagon storage locker, this United States Army Field Manual delivers sound tactical advice for all soldiers involved in fighting World War Two... a VERY SPECIFIC version of World War Two, one found in the fine documentary work SGT. FURY AND HIS HOWLING COMMANDOS.
SECTION I - APPEARANCE AND DEPORTMENT
Soldiers must ensure uniform is always neat and clean. At times when battle dress is ripped or nonexistent due to furious combat action, an ammo belt draped around the neck is an acceptable subsitute.
SECTION II - COMBAT ARMS AND TACTICS
When engaging enemy, it is vital to bunch together in a tight group while leaping into the air and firing all weapons on full automatic. The Browning Machine Gun Caliber .30 (M1928) should be fired from the hip by a circus strongman. If no circus strongman is available, use form 10-23-5 to request one from your quartermaster.
Excellent marksmanship can be achieved firing the Thompson submachine gun with one hand. This leaves the other hand free to grasp enemy soldiers by straps or belts and fling them around like toys.
As a Howling Commando you are expected to use any and all available weapons, including musical instruments, which, if operated correctly, will deafen and incapacitate most enemy soldiers.
Physical conditioning is very important. Proper training and exercise will result in a soldier able to simultaneously defeat three opponents at once, leaving one foot free to support the weight of the body. In desperate situations the free foot can also be used to assault enemy positions.
Against death rays and other inventions of mad Nazi scientists, care must be taken to allow the mad Nazi scientist to escape, as he will be required to fight Captain America in twenty years. Careful application of Hayseed and/or Hillbilly talents will easily deal with super-scientific weapons.
SECTION III - CAPTURING HITLER
As a Howling Commando you will of course be called upon to capture Hitler on many occasions.
It is vital the soldier learn to distinguish between the actual Hitler and the false nose and fake moustache that are the hallmark of the fake Hitler. Characteristics of the actual Hitler include (a) flying into a rage when his skill at watercolors is insulted, (b) propensity to stay up until all hours listening to bad opera and talking smack about Jews, and (c) deathly fear of meat, alcohol, and cigarettes. Also, close physical examination will reveal he only has one ball. SS chief Heinrich Himmler's physical characteristics are very similar, and Reich Propaganda Minister Goebbels is, in fact, a complete eunuch.
Eventually the trained soldier will be able to recognize actual Hitlers by mere touch alone.
SECTION IV - MARKSMANSHIP
Fall of shot and proper target groups are simple to identify - correct placement of fire will result in helmets and rifles flying willy-nilly into the air, accompanied by shouts of "Gott Im Himmel!" and "Achtung! Amerikaners!"
SECTION V - LEADERSHIP TECHNIQUES
At all times Sgt. Fury will display respectful and direct communication with his subordinates. Objectives should be laid out in a forthright and non-ironic manner. Wide-eyed, agressively sarcastic displays of pique or anger should be avoided, as they make you look like a complete ass.
Successful combat operations may be carried out anywhere, no matter the enemy or the terrain. Your outfit will be fully briefed and trained for action no matter where you go. A good commander will simply assume that his soldiers speak any language they need to speak.
SECTION VI - RECOGNITION OF FRIENDLY FORCES
All resistance and FFI forces may be recognized by the simple technique illustrated here.
WARNING: some soldiers displaying backwards swastikas may merely be dyslexic Germans.
In conclusion, remember that the Second World War is serious business. Proper training and attention to details laid out in this manual will ensure your success, and with luck you should be able to continue fighting the Second World War for twenty or thirty years, or until you're replaced by reprints, whichever comes first.
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