(Audio transcript of editorial staff meeting, British Girls Annual Comics Incorporated, 7/23/81)
Okay. We got ballerinas, we got horses, we got cooking, we need something with a little more zip, a little more pizzazz.
Yet, girly. It's gotta be girly.
Okay, action, adventure, comics, heroes, something super, something girly... wait, I got it!
She's like, an ordinary schoolgirl, right? Only she's super!
Totally original! I love it!
And that bionic stuff is popular, with the Steve Austin and all, so she's, like, bionic. Whatever that means.
Perfect. Hey, can we give her some kind of accessory? Something feminine.
How about a crutch with a TV set in it?
You're reading my mind!
But remember she's a schoolgirl so we have to have some parents in there to make sure the readers identify with her.
Mom's only concern with her bionic secret agent daughter is that she's missing dinner, and dad just mumbles and goes back to the sports page.
Just like my parents! Great! Okay, what kind of super powers does she have?
Well, that guy on TV can run fast, so, she runs fast.
Don't forget, she's gotta carry that crutch. Merchandising, you know.
I can see the toy shops filled with "Supergirl Brand Bionic Crutches" even as we speak.
Okay, she's got the crutch. How about jumping fifty feet and seeing in the dark?
Perfect. Make sure she frightens a few fishermen here and there too. That's important. I hate those bastards.
All right, what's the story here? Supergirl does what exactly? Runs, jumps, scares fishermen, watches TV on her crutch... what else?
Wait, it's coming to me... some kind of tropical island. Secret agents mysteriously vanishing, palm trees, easy to draw.
Hey, pop quiz: if she can swim 40 miles an hour and the other island is 20 miles away, how long before everybody realizes that metal swim fins aren't a very good idea?
All right, we need to get some action into this comic here, so far it's been swimming and jumping. Who's she going to fight? We can't have her fight people, that's too violent for girls.
Let's have her fight sharks. Everybody hates sharks.
What other animals do girls hate? Crabs, snakes - everybody hates snakes. Oh yeah, giant birds. I hate giant birds.
Wouldn't the giant birds just eat the snakes?
Probably. Anyway, work with me here, what's behind all this? Gotta have an evil mastermind.
Evil mastermind.. evil... mind... brain... smart... Batman's smart... Batman and Robin... Robin... Robinson Crusoe! Have the evil mastermind look like Robinson Crusoe! Fits perfectly with the whole tropical island thing, too!
I always figured that guy was up to no good.
Okay, we can't have any actual person on person violence, so just have her steal Robinson Crusoe's whistle.
That'll teach him.
Nearly done guys. She got the whistle, escaped the animals, and Robinson Crusoe is left gaping in his stupid hat.
So that's our exciting story? An old man on an island with pets and a whistle? That's actually not very exciting.
Well, he was, um, let's say, planning on, um, attacking the world with his whistle-controlled animals. But Supergirl stole the whistle and without the whistle he couldn't control the animals so they killed him. Case closed!
So it's like Supergirl basically killed the old guy?! That's terrible! We can't print that. Girls all over Britain will be reading this book on Christmas morning, going out in the afternoon, and killing every whistle-bearing grandpa they see!
Yeah, this is completely unacceptable. A bionic girl with a TV-equipped crutch who leaps over ravines, punches sharks, and kills Robinson Crusoe? I don't think so. Our readers deserve better.
Um... that deadline is WHEN?
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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