Ever wanted to find out more about your favorite pop stars, but only read comics? Wouldn't it be nice if somebody would publish comic books detailing the private lives and struggles of rock stars, singing idols, etc.? Well, lucky you, Jackie Magazine over in England went out of its way to create fantastic, highly accurate and totally true documentary-style stories - in comic book form!! Oh wait.


Crap. So this might all be lies. Well then sit back and enjoy the story of Elton John and his amazing success, which is completely true. Except for the parts they made up.


For one thing, his name really isn't Elton John!! I don't believe in nuthin' no more!


Here we learn that Elton's trademark glasses - the specs that became increasingly freakish and grotesque along with the rest of popular culture in the 1970s - turns out, he actually needs those glasses to, you know, see. This is some weird, wild stuff here.


Nothing like imitating the Goon Show and strangling yourself to impress the birds. And if you can believe "Jackie Magazine," this is still part of his normal conversational technique!


WHO IS THE MYSTERY GYPSY GIRL IN ELTON JOHN'S PAST? Inquiring minds want to know!


By the way, this is where the amazing Elton John Swedish Quick Weight Loss Diet started. That's why his trousers were always coming off, because of the Swedish Weight Loss Diet. Not the sex. Thanks Jackie Magazine!!


And this is the part where he meets Bernie Taupin and they get ready to write "Crocodile Rock", which, if you turn on the radio at any given time in any given city in America, will be playing on at least three stations. God love you Elton, but I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF THAT GODDAMN SONG I COULD GODDAMN SCREAM. SERIOUSLY, CUT IT THE HELL OUT, I'M WARNING YOU BASTARDS.

I HAVE A GUN.


With the IMPORTANT relationship in his life secure, here Elton delivers the "It's not me, it's you not understanding me" speech to his fiance. In retrospect, some of it may actually have been him after all.


Elton and Bernie wrote a song for the Eurovision Song Contest but they didn't win anything. Perhaps having their song performed by a insanely grimacing, blank-eyed zombie might not have been the best move.


And soon Elton's piano gymnastics are wowing enormous festival crowds! But what's this? Their American publicity agent arranging a cheap, cheesy publicity photo op? I'm sorry sir, but Elton John does NOT stoop to tawdry, exploitative, gimmicky showmanship! Now, where's my Donald Duck outfit and enormous, ostrich-feather festooned prop eyeglasses? I've got a show to do!!


HE'S THE GREATEST. TOO MUCH. America goes crazy for Elton John, Bernie goes crazy for Maxine, and Elton goes crazy for Disneyland in a panel pretty much swiped from Disneyland promotional brochures.


Here in a surprising turn of events Elton and Bernie meet Bob Dylan. FUN FACT: Bob Dylan actually said "Whassamurrpfh kree HAH maaaan, wheezur rorwr whaman, man," and Elton and Bernie just smiled and nodded politely and waited for him to leave.


Has success changed Elton John? WHAT ABOUT GIRLS AND MARRIAGE ELTON? Jackie Magazine wants to know the truth - so they can print something completely different! Well, we hope this has been an enlightening voyage through the land of Elton John, and we hope that some of it was actually true.

Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!

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