It's July, which means it's time to start gossipping about all the June weddings. Boy, did we just go to a doozy!
Yessir, Jimmy Olsen and Lucy Lane finally got hitched, and it wasn't a dream or a hoax or an imaginary story! At least, not any more imaginary than any other comic book story. So, do you think this Jimmy Olsen wedding was full of crazy happenings and oddball goings-on? Well, it involves JIMMY OLSEN, so the answer to that should be obvious.
YES SUPERMAN IT IS CLASSIER THAN STATELY WAYNE MANOR AS SEEN IN THE 'BATMAN' TV SERIES EVERY MONDAY AND WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 7:30 ON ABC CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS.
After a typical Olsen beatdown courtesy one of Lucy's manlier suitors, Lucy takes pity on Jimmy and realizes she'd rather have a bow-tie wearing goofball than a two-fisted "king-size" manly man. Easier to handle in the long run, and she doesn't want to wind up like her old maid sister Lois! Kind of being brutally honest there aren't we Lucy! Also let me just say here that Jimmy's LSD reference makes me wonder how EXACTLY Jimmy would know what an acid trip was like.
Now that Jimmy's engaged, it's time to rip up those 8x10 glossies of former girlfriends, throw away that little black book, and use his time machine to travel to the 30th century and let the future know that he's getting married. Because in the future they would not already know this HOW, exactly?
I see by the 30th century Women's Lib has progressed to the point where ultra-powerful superhero ladies have to protect the fragile male ego by pretending to be in love with bow-tied goofballs from a thousand years ago.
Superman adds to the fun by building the happy couple a giant estate complete with lead-lined storage room for radioactive souvenirs and a platoon of robot Lucy Lanes "for when Lucy gets tired". I guess Superman read the story where Jimmy fell in love with a robot.
Well, it wouldn't be a Jimmy Olsen wedding without some kind of inane Superman Family style hijinx! As we all know, Miss Gzptlsnz is a magical girl imp from the 5th dimension, and she's deeply in love with Jimmy Olsen. She'll stop at nothing to stop Jimmy from marrying Lucy. What's that? You never heard of Miss Gzptlsnz? Neither have we. We're just going to take the comic book's word for it.
Meanwhile Lois ALMOST succumbs to a fierce, jealousy-driven desire to let her own thwarted romantic desires overpower the entire wedding ceremony. Luckily her better instincts take over, and eventually she convinces herself she's SO HAPPY for them. Just keep telling yourself that, Lois, you "old maid" you.
Also Superman turns into a mole. Yipe!
What could be turning Superman into a reception-ruining mole? Could it have something to do with the gifts Miss Gzptlsnz gave Jimmy and Lucy when she was disguised as Supergirl? Gifts that somehow involve kissing?
Regardless, if their kissing is going to turn Superman into a Super-Mole, then obviously they cannot kiss - which means the ultimate tragedy for all newlyweds - no honeymoon. Lois, NOT JEALOUS AT ALL, is glad to keep the unhappy couple separated. Because she's TOTALLY OKAY with her kid sister beating her to the altar.
Our story kicks into high gear here as Miss Gzptlsnz is thwarted by her own big mouth, but who's that appearing on the scene? Yet another crazy Olsen ex-girlfriend from beyond time and space!
The eternal reaches of the universe are apparently filled with bitter Olsen leftovers, desperate for revenge upon the bow-tied Lothario. When does he get time to write news stories? Do they know he falls in love with robots and occasionally dresses in womens' clothing?
Even protoplasmic blobs are popping out of the woodwork to prevent Jimmy Olsen from getting hitched. And does Lucy Lane fight for her man? Hell no. It's off to the judge to get an annulment! I can't think of a better way to introduce children to the complicated world of legally-defined adult relationships. Anyway, everything's back to the status quo and Jimmy Olsen is free to tomcat his way through the insane world of DC Comics, no doubt seducing an entire galaxy's worth of protoplasmic blob-women and other bizarre females with his bowtied, freckled charm. But I'm sure you're wondering, just who the heck was buying JIMMY OLSEN every month? How much appeal could these inane, nonsensical stories hold? HOW MANY PEOPLE BOUGHT JIMMY OLSEN COMICS?
Five hundred sixty three thousand people, that's who - four hundred thousand MORE copies than the best selling comic book in June 2009. Want to get sales back to JIMMY OLSEN numbers? Forget zombies, crossovers, and variant covers - bring back Miss Gzptlsnz and Giant Mole Superman!
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