SKATEMAN: THE OPERA
from the works of Neal Adams as performed by the Muncipal Opera Company of Skatetown, USA


(This important work was first performed live on roller skates in the early 1980s. Lyrics have been freely transliterated from Skaterese.)


OH
JERK HOLES
TASTE MY WHEELS AGAINST YOUR FACE
FOR I AM SKATEMAN
(MI DIOS MIO)


YOU GOT IT TURKEY
MY ECONOMY OF MOTION
ALLOWS ME TO BEAT BIKERS
ALSO NUNCHAKUS ARE A BIG HELP


OH TRAGEDY
MY ONLY WEAKNESS
A 2 X 4 TO THE SKULL


SAVAGELY BEATEN
OH
NO DOCTORS OR POLICE
OH
I MUST DANCE ON THE SWORD-EDGE OF DEATH WITH UNIDENTIFIED HALTER-TOP CHICK
BUT FIRST
FLASHBACK


YEAH MAN I WAS IN THE 'NAM
APPARENTLY I HAD NOT SEEN ANY NEWS REPORTS ABOUT THE WAR WHATSOEVER
AND OH
I WAS SHOCKED
LUCKILY ROLLER DERBY HEALS ALL WOUNDS
ALSO PONYTAIL


OH
HARD DRIVIN'
ROLLER ROCKIN'
SKATING
BLESSING OF THE ROLLER DERBY ANGELS, BE UPON ME


NO NO NO
I AM NOT A KILLER
NO NO NO
HIS WHEEL CAME OFF
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
OH MAMMA MIA MAMMA MIA LET ME GO
BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL PUT ASIDE FOR ME, FOR ME, FOR ME
(guitar solo)


NO NO NO
TRAGEDY FOLLOWS ME WHEREVER I SKATE
MY CHICK IS KNIFED BY BIKERS
WHO CAN FEEL
HOW INSIDIOUSLY
THE PAIN EATS MY VERY BONES?
PERHAPS
I SHOULD QUIT STARING AT COMIC BOOKS


YES YES YES
DRESS UP IN LITTLE SHORTS
YES YES YES
SKATE AROUND TALKING TO BIKERS
YES YES YES


SKATERADE(tm)
3OZ ASSORTED ROOTS
PINCH OF HERBS
2 CUPS OF LOVE
MIX WELL
SERVES ONE


OH, WHAT IS THE DEVIOUS PLAN OF THE CRIMINALS?
OH, BLACK GUY I MET ONE TIME IN BAR EXPLAINS IT ALL
BIKERS LIVING LIKE PIMPS OFF OF MIGRANT WORKERS
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THOSE MIGRANT WORKERS HAVE ALL THE MONEY
AND CAN EASILY SUPPORT A PIMP LIFESTYLE
OH
THANK YOU BLACK MAN
SKATEMAN IS DONE WITH YOU


MOVED BY LINDA RONSTADT
AH
DISTRACTED BY FIGHT
OH
MUST I SMASH THROUGH THE DOOR AND BEAT UP FAKE COPS?
YES I MUST


WITH TREMBLING HANDS
I PLACE HOMING DEVICE ON CAR
AND FOLLOW ON SKATES AT TOP SPEED
LUCKILY THEIR HIDEOUT WAS TWO BLOCKS AWAY
OTHERWISE IT WOULD TAKE ME QUITE A WHILE
TO TRACK THE CRIMINALS DOWN
ON SKATES
I SUPPOSE I COULD TAKE A CAB
OR SOMETHING
BUT AS SKATEMAN
I HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD
OH


SKAASH THROUGH WINDOW
I LAND WITH CATLIKE GRACE
WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY STUNNING
FOUR OF THE THUGS
I CAN DO THIS
BECAUSE I'M SKATEMAN


IS A THROWN BILLIARDS BALL
FASTER THAN A BULLET
AH
IT IS IF YOU'RE SKATEMAN
OH WHAT IS THAT
WE ARE OUT OF PAGES
BETTER WRAP THIS UP THEN
OH
BLADOOM
OH
WAHOOO
FINIS

(Orchestra builds to conclusion, and curtain. Traditional performances of SKATEMAN THE OPERA included a post-performance reception held at the local roller rink. The refreshments? SKATERADE (tm), of course.)

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