Yes, it's another exciting football story here at Stupid Football Comics, where we explore the fascinating world of football... wait a minute, this isn't a football comic. This is a promotional giveaway from the B.F. Goodrich Company. Let's see how they manage to work tires into this.
Johnson is sad because he can't be quarterback. And if can't be quarterback, what's the use in playing football? And WHERE ARE THE TIRES!?
There, tires, in plain view at the local Johnson Tire And Fatherly Advice Company.
You can't quit the football team Tommy! (notice just PLAYING football as a regular member of the team is NOT AN OPTION. It's quarterback or nothin'.) If you quit this one thing now, Tommy, then you'll be quitting everything forever!
Hey Danny, watch the station while I play football with my kid and lecture him for a while. I'll be starting in 1870, so I might be gone a while.
"Now, Tod, we can't believe EVERY wonderful rumor of a rubber factory that comes down the pike!" "But Jane, I don't know anything about rubber or factories or anything, but this B.F. Goodrich man - I've heard he's good, and he's rich, and that's enough for me!"
As America grows, so does the rubber industry! There's no need to go west to find your fortune - you can find it right here in Akron Ohio, coincidentally enough at the B.F. Goodrich plant! But enough of 1895, let's return to modern-day. It's dinnertime!
Now Tommy has TWO teams to make - it's a secret between us menfolk! Who says sexual experimentation was taboo in the 50s?
Meanwhile back in 1895 the B.F. Goodrich Company was learning to combine its two most powerful elements - rubber, and lecturing about the strength and inherent goodness of capitalism.
And as we continue our dizzying journey through time, 1948 unleashes new discoveries in both atomic research AND in endlessly droning on about the American Way Of Life!
But in 1933 - yes, this comic book is all over the map, WHICH IS WHERE YOU'LL BE WHEN DRIVING WITH GOODRICH TIRES! - the spectre of doom was rising its shrouded head in agony. Also Hitler.
The world is plunged into bloody conflict and our big concern is, what about the rubber? Oh no the Japanese have cut off our rubber supply! Well, we cut off their oil. Fair's fair.
But soon the war is over and it's time for Third Generation Johnson to deliver a withering smackdown of a lecture on the American Way Of Life, Goodrich Style!
Shopping, tires, babies, tires, meetings, paychecks, tires. Tires tires tires. Excuse the speech Danny.
Yes Tommy, that's the reason I've been telling you about the Johnson family and its deep, perhaps unholy association with the B.F. Goodrich Company. A legacy of inescapable horror that flows within your very veins. Soon you will claim your birthright and become one with the Tire People.
But in the meantime: football!
And so we learn that you should never ever quit anything until you are the star, because the American way of life needs non-quitting quarterback stars. And tires, and teacher's manuals for classroom use.
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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