Can products advertised in comic books make your life better? Sure they can. Why, you can find the solution to any possible problem between the pages of "Little Dot" or "Gangbusters". Like, oh, say, forest fires!
As long as you can come up with a useful poem that rhymes with "bubble", you're all set to chew your way to adventure and excitement courtesy the "magic" inside every piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum! ("magic" not USDA approved) Dunno how you are going to say the magic "down" word when your mouth is full of bubble gum, but that's not my problem.
"I'm sure you'll be slightly bored as I fly into the air and rescue this trapped man, so here's a four-panel comic strip that will amuse and entertain you!" But even the boffo yuks contained inside a Bazooka Joe comic strip can't distract the fireman from open-mouthed astonishment at the size of the Atom Bubble.
Can Royal Crown Cola help you capture thieves? Sure, why not. Here's a tip for criminals - when fleeing a crime scene, it might be a good idea to avoid running through a playing field full of college guys in athletic gear who specialize in chasing people and knocking them to the ground. I'm just sayin'.
Here R.C. and Quickie save two girls from the dreadful fate of canoeing over a two-foot waterfall, and are rewarded with good old R.C. Cola and a little cheesecake. Do these guys ever buy their OWN soft drinks?
That's what we did for fun back in the old days, kids - rode our bikes ten miles ONE WAY, just to see a train with some red and blue stripes painted on it! For freedom, or something. I forget. Who wants to get Grandpa a beer?
Ah, good old Captain Tootsie, the CC Beck created superhero who created an awareness of Tootsie Rolls and their amazing ability to deliver quick bursts of much-needed energy. Here it seems like Tootsie Rolls are more like some kind of methamphetamine. I guess this is why they call them "the good old days".
"Hootin' Zoots"? Clearly this is some kind of 1940s drug slang. Disgraceful!
If you need a bicycle tire that can stand up to the wear and tear of an imaginary jet-propelled bicycle, then US Royals are the tire for you! Of course you don't have a jet-propelled bike, and you never will. But buy our tires anyway, okay?
Tess and Tim, hanging out in the West, flying their plane, finding Indian remains, forever stalked by a mysterious man in a drum majors uniform who appears out of nowhere. Hey, if I eat enough Popsicles I can get a hideous ring decorated with poisonous snakes! Mom will love it!
"Crinkers! A toddler in trouble! Looks like what's needed here is the burst of quick energy you get from ingesting sugar- and plenty of it! Thank goodness for America's candy industry, delivering the sugary goodness necessary to keep America speedy- and pre-diabetic!" And if you like Bit-O-Honey you'll love "Old Nick", the only candy bar named after and filled with SATAN!! And fudge.
Our next ad isn't about candy - but it is about sudden, violent death. Nothing sells like death!
Take a tip from Sam Spade - if you don't know the difference between catnip and Wildroot Cream Oil, don't groom your hair inside a lion's cage! I see Wildroot Cream-Oil comes in handy new tubes, but for braining escaping murderers, the bottle is the only way to go.
Death, fire, auto accidents, bubble gum - so many tragedies and horrors in our modern world. So much sin and iniquity. We must ask ourselves, what would Jesus have us do?
The Lord Himself would have us win valuable prizes and premiums for selling religious wall plaques door to door! Smash graft, dope, crime, war, and drink AND get that cowboy guitar or baby doll you've been praying for! You'll see the mighty hand of GOD HIMSELF smite the evildoers and send their evil dice and liquor bottles flying, or triple your money back! Send no money, we trust you.
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