Last week, as you will recall, we introduced the six-issue series Morning Glory, about a faerie on a Magickal Quest to watch people get it on. You would think, given that this story takes place in late 1990s California, that it would be a pretty short quest, since that it's not that hard to find people having sex, especially if you're 8 inches tall, can fly and therefore can conceivably spy on them unseen. But Morning Glory has obstacles thrown her way, as we will learn about in this week's conclusion.
First and foremost, of course, is that Bob, the heroic author-self-insert, is just TOO DARN PERFECT! Oh, if only he weren't so perfect. You know how girls are, they always go after the not-perfect guys, leaving perfect Nice Guys like Bob in the dust.
You can tell a comic is written by a man when... they equate death with "getting small" and "withering". At least she doesn't mention her Spirit Energy becoming "flaccid" or something like that.
So anyway, yeah, if Morning Glory doesn't get to watch people have sex, she'll, uh, wither, get small, and die. It sounds like the description for a porno, except, inexplicably, this isn't a porno.
Yes, even with phrases like "we can screw his brains out all weekend long", this isn't a porno. In any case, Morning Glory manages to give a sob story that convinces Katherine to overlook Bob's incredible perfection long enough to have sex with him.
Oh, don't worry Katherine, I'm sure Bob is familiar with the phrase "sympathy fuck" in all its permutations.
Unfortunately for Bob, Morning Glory found out (through snooping through his closet) that Bob possesses *gasp* handcuffs and a dildo, meaning that he's way too freaky for this northern Californian, armed Pagan lady, so Katherine tries to cop out of her promise of weekend-long vanilla sex. In response, Morning Glory flips out and starts to sound like a teenage boy trying to coerce his prom date.
Also, "if you bend just a little" is really not a phrase you should use when you're trying to talk someone into sex.
In desperation, Morning Glory runs away and starts to spy on a random couple having sex. Why hasn't she tried this before, you ask? Because the merest mention of the Christian deity makes her shriek in pain, that's why. Yes, even when it's being used as an expletive, with no religious context at all, it still hurts her. For all she knows this guy is Jewish. He's certainly not praying. But hurt her it does, causing The Withering for both her and the guy, after he falls out of bed.
Finally she flees to the woods, where she coincidentally meets up with Colleen, the teenage Wiccan wannabe, who was performing some sort of witchy ritual with candles. She was trying to summon Pan, but I suspect the only forest spirit she was going to get was Smokey the Bear.
So, Morning Glory goes home with Colleen, who immediately calls her boyfriend over for sex. Since her boyfriend isn't all beardy and mullety and stuff, he clearly isn't anything near perfect like Bob, so naturally sex isn't a problem, except when Colleen's mom (who is a Christian and therefore evil and fairy-hating) walks in on them and starts to pray.
Afterward, Colleen's mom goes to the evil Minister for help, and he assures her to "habe no fear". Or something. That font is still really annoying. Hot biggity bog!
Oh, no, he knows MAGICK! That's even worse than knowing magic, because it's got a "K"!!
Morning Glory helps Colleen escape the clutches of the evil minister, BUT WAIT! The evil minister has all ready captured Katherine! To make matters worse, his pa killed her pa, or something. All I'm wondering is, did Cotton Mather speak in the same hard-to-read font, or was it even more ornate and undecipherable?
Waitwaitwait. What "dumb ideas" did Morning Glory have? The whole thing about the Salem witch trials was that adults who were not actually witches were getting tried and sentenced for witchcraft based originally on the accusations of some young girls-- so is Morning Glory saying she told the girls to pretend to have seizures and start the accusations? If so, this comic should probably be renamed "Morning Glory, the Faerie Who Is Also A Colossal Douchebag". Or maybe "Morning Glory, History's Greatest Monster".
Yes, Bob will help us! Thank goodness, with the help of his mighty beard, they can surely overcome anything!! Having decided this, Morning Glory, being a pretty lady as well as history's greatest monster, only has to worry about her outfit.
So, Bob the Wonder Mullet, Colleen the Underage Wiccan and History's Greatest Monster go to the woods to rescue Katherine from the evil Christians in their compound, where she is being tortured by having to decipher whatever the hell Mather the Younger is saying.
While we're here, may I just add what a pain in the ass this comic has been to scan for this entry? The layouts are all over the place, which I guess was supposed to be "energetic" or "manga-esque" but mostly it's just confusing and jumbled. The eye never knows where it's supposed to go next. There's no joke attached to this observation, I just wanted to get that off my chest.
So Action Hero Bob stalks through the woods with Colleen, where we learn Bob was enjoying the 60s well into the 70s.
I know the word Colleen was about to say was meant to be "old", but there's so much that could fit at the end of that sentence.
OH SHI but then Bob falls into a raging river headed toward waterfalls while the imprisoned Katherine prays to the Goddess to
make sure he stays dead keep him safe. Strangely, she chooses not to pray for Morning Glory, who presumably is the one most in danger from the evil Christians but w/e. And by w/e I mean BLESSED BE.
Hey, I guess those Goddess prayers work. Morning Glory, who wasn't in Katherine's prayers, is captured and put into a jar (hope the Reverend remembered to poke air holes in the lid), but fortunately Bob and his mullet escape the watery grave to put a GOOD OLD FASHIONED BUDDHIST BEATING on Mather. Yay, I guess.
Then Katherine grabs a gun and shoots Mather 5 times point blank from a few feet away. Despite this, Bob, with his beard of wisdom, can tell by a casual glance exactly how wounded Mather is. THE BEARD IS WISE. THE BEARD IS THE WAY. KILLING IS NOT THE WAY OF THE BEARD. LISTEN TO THE BEARD KATHERINE. THE BEARD IS ALL KNOWING. etc...
And so, with a happy ending in both the literal and metaphorical sense, Bob and Katherine bring Morning Glory back to full strength with the power of their love-making, while the attentive eyes of underage Colleen watch from a tasteful distance.
So basically, this is voyeur porn minus the actual porn, is what I'm getting from all this. Kind of like Garfield Minus Garfield but with more prayers to the Goddess.
Finally, the story ends as it begins: With
The Withering the main characters sitting on the couch watching TV. Our long national nightmare is finally at end. Well, mine is anyway-- I believe this was the longest Stupid Comics yet, and hopefully the longest one for a while! BLESSED BEES and MARRY MEAT.
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