It's one thing to have a teen-age witch use her witchy powers to get prom dates and occasionally fix Archie's car. But what happens when our teen-age witch switches gears and becomes a creepy horror host? It could only lead to CHILLING ADVENTURES... in SORCERY!
Yup, we're still in the 1970s and the horror boom is in full swing with scary stories and terror tales flying off the newsstands. Let's watch Archie Comics dip a toe back into the world of non-teen-comedy-comics with these Chilling Tales brought to you by artists who usually spent their time drawing bucolic, non-chilling high school scenes.
Lacking an Old Witch or a Crypt-Keeper, our Chilling Tales are introduced by Sabrina, who usually is ready to downplay the eerieraspects of her family life. Not today!
Yes, it's the age-old story of a hideous four-armed mutant, hunted by the local pitchfork-toting mob, in love with the only girl who could see the REAL HIM - a blind swamp girl. Which doesn't sound like a safe way to live to a ripe old age, wandering around a swamp unable to see the many dangers that lurk therein. Like, say, quicksand.
And in a completely unexpected turn of events the blind girl wanders into a pit of movie-style quicksand! I think she was the only person who didn't see this plot twist coming.
But the love of a four-armed mutant is strong. Too bad he had to die, but can you imagine their kids? Probably blind and SIX arms.
Meanwhile the upper crust entertain old family friends as a child prepares to cry "vampire"! Anything to keep from getting sent to bed early. Kids hate missing out on the grownup parties!
Uh oh, turns out Uncle Brucie wasn't quite as family-friendly as he seemed! And disturbing subtext of child abuse by family members begins... wait for it... now!
Falling on a carving fork and hitting your neck with it? Sure, that's ALMOST as implausible as vampires, let's go with it.
But just when you think scientific reasoning has disproven any hope of a vampiric resolution, here comes Cousin Brucie to bring it all back home!
And here we have it, probably the creepiest thing ever published in an Archie comic, and that includes the time Archie's dad wrote love letters to Betty and Veronica. Holy jeez this is creepy.
What's even creepier is Aunt Hilda and Cousin Ambrose here sharing a big chuckle over our poor doomed kid. You're spooking me out here, Sabrina. I might just take Cricket O'Dell or Josie to the dance instead.
And now Chilling Adventures In Sorcery takes a hard look at the problems facing modern education and speech therapy issues that all public school officials have to be aware of. And fear, don't forget the fear.
Rather than engage the parents or any number of school-centered resources to help her students behave, Miss Softly instead evokes the dark arts of black magic. Easier than disciplining those kids, I guess.
And now we know why they took Latin out of the public schools. Turns 'em into monsters!
This is certainly a, uh, bewitching side of Sabrina we don't often get to see! Probably due to the Comics Code, darn them.
By the way just want to remind everybody that while evil forces lurk all around the dark edges of Archie Comics, there's one power that can always defeat them, and that's the Bible!
The Bible! Rescuing Archie characters from evil for over thirty years. Ask for it by name!
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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