One of the great things about living in a mass-media saturated culture is that after ten or twenty years of exploiting the hell out of every possible celebrity possible, the great hungry maw of popular culture demands something new. And that's when they have to start digging around for whatever crazy, fame-obsessed lunatic they can find that will sit still long enough to be marketed. Hey, some of them won't sit still at all!
Yes, it's Evel Knievel, the man who showed us that you can jump over things on your motorcycle and ONLY break every bone in your body two or three times. AND become a world-reknowned celebrity with his own line of toys! It's totally worth it, I say!
Why Evel is such a star he has his own comic book, produced by Marvel Comics as a giveaway promotion to entice children to strap rockets to their backs and jump over the family car. No, wait, I meant PURCHASE EVEL KNIEVEL TOYS. Nix on the jumping thing kids.
Why just look at these amazing motorcycle stunts you can make your Evel Knievel Action Figure (it's not a doll!) perform at home! Remember to ask Mom before using lighter fluid to set your Evel Knievel Stunt Track (tm) on fire.
In a few years, the course of nature and Evel's own diet and exercise plan would ensure he would ALWAYS have that "weight" at the "base" of his "seat", making these maneuvers much easier.
Uh-oh, threatened by telegram! Maybe a quick call to the local telegram office would confirm the identity of this mysterious... naw, probably just a crank. Let's not worry about it.
So Evel's business plan, apart from jumping over items on his motorcycle, is to franchise "Stunt Stadiums" across America. Soon every city and town will be filled with the whine of engines as thousands of motorcycles leap over thousands of piles of flaming tires, and thousands of ambulances take thousands of badly-damaged stuntmen to the hospital! This business plan mainly benefits the people selling accident and injury insurance to the owners and operators. I wants me a piece of that action!
When I was a kid my only dream was to have my own "fabulous rolling workshop lounge". Now as an adult I realize that "sleeping in your van" is also known as "being homeless".
Sources say "Mr. Danger" is a local criminal overlord who wants to turn the Stunt Stadium into an industrial park, which in some inexplicable way also threatens the Everglades. Everglades Destroying Industrial Park, I guess. What "Mr. Danger" doesn't realize is that he could sit back and do nothing, wait for the Stunt Stadium to go out of business, WHICH IT INVARIABLY WILL, and then buy it for pennies on the dollar. And THEN destroy the Everglades.
Here we see the Amazing Fabulous Sky Cycle, which "can perform feats never dreamed of". Like for instance FAILING, as it did when Evel tried to use it to blast himself across the Snake River Canyon in 1974.
Dodging Mr Danger and the deadly alligators (not included), your Canyon Sky Cycle will soar through the hoops and come to an explosive crash landing, breaking every bone in Evel Knievel's body (bones not included).
And as he gives chase to Mr Danger's goons, Evel came prepared with his own Stunt And Crash Car, which comes with Custom Safety Devices! I see Ralph Nader's influence is EVERYWHERE.
That's right, Evel Knievel invented 'crumple zones' used in auto construction. Stunt Car I Love You!
This is another stunt you can do with your Evel Knievel toys. I wouldn't suggest doing this with a real motorcycle, as there isn't always a handy pond for your victims to plunge into.
It's a good thing Evel keeps himself physically fit, by periodically breaking and re-breaking every bone in his body. Also: hospital food is good for you!
And it turns out that Mr. Danger is actually Mr Everglades Destroying Industrial Park Racketeer, who would later go on to hold an important position in the Bush administration. Evel Knievel would go on to jump over his Scramble van, do a loop, and race past flaming jets of fire, right into guesting on "the Bionic Woman", assault charges, bankruptcy, and living out of the back of his Scramble Van selling art. We salute you Evel Knievel! But wait, one more thing.
Evel Knievel giving bicycle safety tips? Now I've seen everything! First tip - forget you ever heard of Evel Knievel or anything Evel Knievel has ever done, ever.
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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