What's that? We need a new way to minister the gospel to distracted teenagers? What do teenagers like? They like movies that show some skin and sneaking a bottle of liquor behind the bleachers at the high school football game. Okay, what do teenagers like... THAT WE CAN GIVE THEM? Uh, teens like those black and white manga comics, and graffiti imagery, and Stephen Baldwin. Teens really respect Stephen Baldwin.
Voila!! A manga-style paperback Christian comic bearing the name of noted Hollywood actor Stephen Baldwin! Thank you Jesus!
Yes, THAT Stephen Baldwin, the man who involves himself with manga-style inspirational comics AND brazenly admits to starring in the film "Bio-Dome". His actual involvement with "Spirit Warriors" is unclear, but one thing's for sure: the evil tyrant master bears seething rage against the teenage Spirit Warriors! Who are these Spirit Warriors anyway? Let's meet them!
There's Mia with the glowing hands, and Nano who apparently is a bowler, and Faith, the large, frightening African American, and Jon, the punk rocker who was crippled in that mosh-pit accident at the COC gig at the Metroplex back in 1983 because that's the last time that shit was in any way cool, and Davy the blind kid. Yup, one-sixth of your fierce spirit warrioring team needs a cane to get around. Oh, and hoverboard-riding Hailey, who was the star of the all-black version of "Back To The Future," which was called "Black To The Future".
Being teenagers they have lunch every day in the school cafeteria, and being stars of a Christian comic the talk is usually about who isn't praying enough.
So the gist of this story is that King Zander of Fallo City isn't praying enough and can't see that God wants him to let the Spirit Warriors rescue Mia's brother and Faith's sister from the evil tyrant of New City. At least I think that's what's going on - you see, I only understand what God WANTS me to understand.
Mia's troubled prayer is answered by that most holy of angels, Cher.
Even when preparing a jet-pack invasion of the evil New City, our heroes are so relaxed they can quote lines from "Star Wars".
It's OK to beat up cops when they've fallen under the spell of the evil tyrant! But that's the ONLY TIME.
Meanwhile the evil Galactic Emperor and Luke Skywalker... I mean, the evil tyrant Master Seiko and, uh, "Gary", are alone in his compound.
Listen buddy, it's YOUR cell phone, you put it in your pocket yourself, you turned it on, there's no reason to look so shocked when you get a call. That's what it's FOR.
So we'll just cut to the chase here because this comic book is like 200 pages. Anyway "Gary" and Mia have had a tearful confrontation in the rain about Jesus, which is interrupted by a cruise missile, which is usually the kind of interruption you hope for when people start witnessing to you, am I right?
And here Mia rescues Gary using her jet-pack, and while hovering there in mid-air on her jet-pack, bare-facedly credits God for the whole thing and says it defies explanation. IT'S THE JET PACK NANO BUILT, YOU WATCHED HIM BUILD IT. THAT'S THE EXPLANATION.
Back in Fallo City the Spirit Warriors - and Gary - hold hands and sing Kum-By-Yah. Wow Gary, Jesus? You needed Jesus? Why WOULDN'T you expect us to believe that? Isn't that what we've been boring everybody about for years? Do you think we're STUPID, Gary?
I will skip over the obligatory 12 page sequence where it looks like Gary has been actually working for the Tyrant Seiko but he really hasn't, and instead just get right to the exciting climax.
Yes, in case you forgot about the rest of the Spirit Warriors here they are in blazing fighting action against what appear to be a team of heavily armed BMX riders! Hitting with fists! Tripping with their blind-canes! Rolling over toes with their wheelchairs! Riding hoverboards into faces! It's the unique brand of combat action that has made the Spirit Warriors the most feared fighters around!
But what of Mia and Gary? Will they face the evil Master Seiko and defeat him with sticks or wheelchairs?
Nope, they'll shoot him with magical force beams. That's the best way to defeat evil. Fifty thousand episodes of "Sailor Moon" and "Dragonball Z" can't be wrong!
And after a good dose of zapping all the evil in New City is destroyed. We can tell because they now have zoning approval for a church. What's that? You don't know? You don't have to know. You just have to believe.
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