Ready to get in touch with the Black Experience? I mean, the actual color? Sure you are. Open your copy of Web Of Mystery #18 and we'll begin!
Why are we afraid of the dark? Is it because clowns might lurk there waiting to go "boo"? Here's the story of two suburban American white guys who dared to venture forth into the darkest place of all and confront their ultimate fears. And then AFTER they got drunk in a strip club in Harlem, they did some science and saw some monsters!
Here we see how science shows us that shining a bunch of different-colored lights into one spot produces darkness. Actually in the real world, it's the exact opposite - the computer monitor you're reading this website with produces white by combining red, green, and blue in varying degrees. This is why they call it a "RGB monitor." Paradoxically, in printing newspapers, comics, etc., the CMYK process is used, which means when you combine blue, red, and yellow, you get black. This is why your print job looks different in print than it does on your computer screen. You'd be surprised at how many print industry professionals have no idea how this works!
Turns out combining different colored lights results in a creeping black THING that oozes and lusts for human blood. This is why Las Vegas is filled with monsters. Anyway Doctor Bowtie here isn't afraid, he's got a plan that will keep the blackness in its place. Will it involve separate drinking fountains and literacy tests?
Bowtie's plan is that he'll shine the lights into a glass shield which will prevent the blackness from getting out. What Bowtie failed to consider is that the reason he's using glass is because we can see through it, which means light can pass through it, which means darkness can probably also pass through it. Or just shatter it to bits. It's glass!
Trapped alone in a house after watching my pal sucked into the nether dimension by a black THING... let's see.. get help? Start drinking heavily? Forget the whole thing and go home? Or set up the colored lights again, create that spot of blackness and see what happens? Sure, why not.
Okay, fine, your every muscle is torn with infinite agony. But look at the funny Smith Bros Cough Drops beard the thing gave you!
I think he's right, this IS almost too horrible to be believed. Though maybe a more precise modifier would be 'stupid'. Whatever. You're in the world of blackness now, white boys!
And of course who would rule the "underworld" of "blackness" but Satan himself? I think I read a John Birch Society pamphlet once that made this exact claim. Better run for it!
Hmm, we're in blackness, what would be a perfect weapon? Handgun? Brass knucks? What's this - a flashlight!
And in a universe of darkness a flashlight would naturally shine with a solid black beam. Wait, what?
TAKE THAT SATAN!! This started the fad of bringing flashlights to church services and camp revival meetings. Satan hates and fears the gleam of a 3 D-cell Maglite!!
Doctor Bowtie, having removed his bowtie and smashed every colored floodlight in the world, is now secure that the monsters of blackness will never find their way back to our brightly lit Earth. But just to be on the safe side, keep a flashlight with you always!!
HEY KIDS this is Stupid Comics #300! We've done three hundred of these things. Yeah, I know. Maybe we should get a hobby or something. In the meantime, what's YOUR favorite Stupid Comic that we here at Mister Kitty have made fun of? Write us at firstname.lastname@example.org and let us know! We'll put the best responses up right here!
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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