It's well known that Aquaman is the lamest of the superheroes. I mean, swimming and talking to fish? Even if the fish talk back, so what? It's not like fish have interesting discussions. But for some reason his comic book adventures have lasted for decades, and nobody knows why. Maybe if we investigate some of his early stories, we'll perhaps find a neglected gem of comic book storytelling. I'm sure that we can find an Aquaman story that is both intelligent and entertaining. Right?
Or... maybe not. Instead let's enjoy this story about sea creatures forced to participate in "Olympic Games". I'm surprised the IOC isn't down there in scuba outfits handing out lawsuits for infringing on their trademarked term "Olympics", as they do to everyone who dares to use the term on land.
"Why don't we use our telepathic powers to force all the sea creatures to mimic human behavior for our own twisted amusement?" "Swell, Aquaman!"
And so the news media around the world becomes obsessed with Aquaman and his fish olympics, solemnized by two hands grasping a slimy tentacle.
500 miles north of Puerto Rico, in the HEART OF THE MYSTERIOUS BERMUDA TRIANGLE by the way, the evil Bart Horval, robber baron of the lucrative marine salvage world, watches the underwater Olympics with amusement, and makes remarks about Aquaman's tush. I think.
And we're off as sea creatures battle each other for Aquaman's amusement! Somebody call PETA! Then they set a ship on fire and see how long it takes for the fish to put the fire out! Somebody call the EPA! Remember, as "ruler of the sea" Aquaman's every nonsensical whim is law. Now keep fighting, you slimy beasts!! Ha ha ha!
This, on the other hand, is probably something seals would enjoy. I'd watch this. Fifty bucks says team "P" wins!
Remember folks nobody expects Aqualad's team to win! Because he's Aqualad, the superhero sidekick everybody forgets about, and then you bring him up in conversation, and nobody believes he actually exists, and then you look like a total geek for knowing who Aqualad is!
BTW, please do not use crabs as living grappling hooks. It's not good for their claws.
In this sequence we learn that America's only defense against smugglers is whales, and possibly luminous fish. The Coast Guard is off doing something else, I guess.
Aquaman!! Aqualad's team is beating you! Rememer, you're Aquaman, pretty much the low man on the superhero totem pole - if you can't beat Aqualad, there will be questions raised at the next meeting of the Super Friends, let me just say.
Here you go, your daily dose of Silver Age superhero characters using the word 'boner'. Enjoy!
Cheering crowds hail the underwater victory in the first and only time the world paid any attention whatsoever to anything Aquaman or Aqualad ever did.
"Yes Aqualad you won fair and square. Except you didn't because I instructed my sea creature pals to deliberately lose. You see my personality is so damaged that my self-image is completely wrapped up in failure and defeat. Success might force me to come to face with the outside world and I can't deal with that. Also I get a secret thrill when beefy sea captains laugh at me and call me a loser. Better to hide in the ocean and rule over fish."
But as we learn the REAL reason he lost was that he saw some kryptonite and rather than let Horval recover it and use it to kill Superman, Aquaman kept everybody away from it by losing. And then he ditched the kryptonite into a deep abyssal trench and he will never tell anybody about it, so he can feel like a big martyr. Sometimes Aquaman is his own worst enemy.
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