You know, with comic books anything is possible. Want a comic that combines, oh, let's say, male exotic dancers, targeted assassinations, garbagemen, closeted gym managers, mobsters, and Master Elves? Well, you're in luck! Comics can deliver!
Perhaps "luck" isn't quite the precise term. Yes, it's JONTAR, grimacing menacingly, introduced by what appears to be an elf version of Paul McCartney, brandishing his sword right out there on the mean city streets.
I'll give JONTAR credit, we're thrown right into the story, without even the slightest bit of explanation as to why a black-clad rooftop assassin is surprised by a teleporting elf, let alone why he shoots Elfy point blank and drops him thirty stories into a convenient garbage can. Just go with it, that's JONTAR's motto!
However, our be-goggled assassin has had his assassination pulled right out from under him by a, uh, stick figure on the next block. I know everybody's first impression here is to make fun of the artwork, but think about it for a minute; the poor guy probably had no idea what he was in for when he volunteered to draw JONTAR, that he'd get a script full of things like "Okay, draw a guy on one building looking across at another building where there's a guy shooting another guy in yet another building." That's the kind of script that I want money up front for, you know what I'm saying.
Goggle-13 here turns the tables with a quick leap down, or across, or behind - the exact placement of figures here is a little iffy - and catches his assassination-stealer off guard. Take that, whoever you were!
And goggle man meets his girlfriend on the street to kill yet another page while the readers start to get really impatient waiting for "Jontar" to show up with his motorcycle and his sword! WHERE IS JONTAR!!?
Ahh, there's Jontar. Lifts weights, has a strange name because his dad read all that fantasy crap before he died, has unfashionably long, barbarian-style hair. Jontar, ladies and gentlemen! Surely such a classy and refined dude has an occupation befitting his station in life!
He's a garbageman. Like I said, classy! Or he WAS a garbageman, until he thought he saw a dead glowing elf in a trash can, and his boss summarily fires him on the spot. You can get away with a lot being a garbageman, but don't joke about glowing dead elves. Just don't.
But that's okay, because Jontar's got lots of ways of making the money! For instance, now he has more time for his exotic dancing gig!
Oh man, fired from trash collecting AND exotic dancing, on the SAME DAY. That's gotta smart. Oh well, at least he can go hit the gym and work off some steam. This day cannot get any worse!
Well, I guess the day COULD get worse. Ever tempted to turn your exotic dancing skills into a martial art? Just remember what happened to Jontar here.
It's a tense scene as Dolph comes to grips with his true sexual orientation. Uh, comic, this might not be the right time for this.
Here Dolph seems to be feeling what all of us are feeling right now. AM I GOING INSANE??
Seriously though, Jontar's dead, comic's over, right? Right?
Nope. Still going. Elf Paul McCartney AKA The Master Elf Keeper, tastefully clad in boxing trunks, presides over the mystical cosmic landscape of the Dream Dimension, wondering why "Earth inhabitants" are so "creul" to themselves. Will he bring Jontar back to life? Here's a hint. This comic ain't called "Master Elf Keeper" or "Closeted Gym Manager."
Tight black leather suit? Check. A weapon forged as a language tool? Check, I think. Motorcycle? Check and double check! JONTAR RIDES AGAIN!
Were you prepared for vengeance? Sorry, I meant to warn you to be prepared for vengeance.
I know if I knifed a bunch of guys in front of a policeman, I'd be kind of worried, but Jontar doesn't care! He's going to keep doing what he must until he dies again!
and that's our comic. Big-haired ex-garbageman is knifed by gangsters and returns as a sword wielding motorcycle maniac. But I know you're wondering, what about that goggle-wearing assassin we saw at the beginning of the comic? Surely that's going to tie into our story in some kind of meaningful fashion? How about it, Master Elf Keeper?
And there he is! He operates smooth, but Master Elf Keeper will show him his "fatel" mistake!
Oh, so I guess that's what he looks like without the goggles. Or what he LOOKED like, since he's dead.
And his assassin is none other than HIS GIRLFRIEND, who is now the property of Some Arabic guy, possibly Jamie Farr in CANNONBALL RUN 2! Now that's a twist ending I didn't see coming - mostly because it makes no sense whatsoever. But wait! Here's some insight from the author.
Apparently the Jontar Saga will become more complicated with every issue, and in the sixth issue he'll meet the Nevada Super Cop known as "Lawmaster". Jontar #3 will be a horror story. Ask your friends to try Jontar! I dare you.
Was the secret of the mystery woman ever revealed? Did Jontar ever meet Lawmaster, the Nevada Super Cop? Jontar was rebooted in 1990's JONTAR RETURNS; same writer, different artist, slightly better drawn motorcycle, and one suspects the same weird, over-written mix of political conspiracy, barbarian hairstyles, gritty urban environments, and mystical space elves. A lot of thought went into the world of JONTAR, that's for sure. For whatever reason, this comic's creator simply could not resist the urge to inflict JONTAR on a confused and largely indifferent public. Is JONTAR a celebration of the creative impulse in a free society, or a warning of the dangers of poor self-control? Only The Master Elf Keeper knows for sure.
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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