It's fall and that means it's time for two of America's greatest traditions: Halloween and College Football. One involves pagan gods worshipped by legions of horrifying monsters, and the other one has kids in costumes! Ha ha I kid. But what would happen if the world of THE UNKNOWN and the world of collegiate pigskin merged in some weird way? Why you'd have today's story, that's what.
Ghostly football player versus witches and Frankensteins? Square-jawed 1907 pipe man making all the ladies swoon? Sign me up, comic.
Dan Carver makes it past the swarm of forward 1907 gals to woo his true love, who totally loves him and will totally marry him if he wins the football game. Think it over Lucy! Do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life married to a guy who won't shut up about that football game he won years ago?
Confronted by the spectre of a tie - NOT GOOD ENOUGH! -Dan chances it all on a desperate play that involves Cordovan's entire forward line rushing at him like a stampede of angry, helmeted, cleated buffalo. The things a guy will do to get married!
Whoops, backed into his own end zone and helped the other team win. How embarrassing! Oh yeah and he also died.
Turns out Heaven is optional. Who knew?
But the fortunes of college football are always changing and after decades, Cordovan deigns to challenge puny Pomeroy again on the gridiron. It's in today's edition of "The Unknown Tribune". Grab your football gear and get back down to Earth, Dan!
To hide his true intentions, Dan must pretend to be interested in girls. Hey, it's right here in the comic book! I'm not making this up!
Turns out chicks in the 60s don't dig the ukelele, pipe smoking, or a surrey with a fringe on top. But that's OK because Dan can't forget his one true love, the one whose demands spurred him into death on the football field, Lucy.
And here's Lucy! Ravaged by time, this old spinster's only joy in life is being waited on hand and foot by generations of strapping young men.
Soon enough it's time for the big game! What inspiring words will the coach use to fire up his boys?
"Please don't die, and good luck." Wow, thanks Coach. That's some fine coaching there Coach. You bet.
When ghostly Dan can't save your football team from defeat, it's time to call in some substitutes from... THE UNKNOWN. Including the Wolfman in diapers.
Crushed and pummeled by the supernatural power of monsters from beyond the grave! No, I'm not talking football metaphors here, the Cordovan players are actually physically being crushed and pummeled by the supernatural power of monsters from beyond the grave. This game would, of course, lead to the famous "No Monsters" NCAA ruling of 1967.
Pomeroy wins the game thanks to Frankenstein and the Wolf Man, but sadly Miss Lucy's heart couldn't stand the strain of yet another Saturday afternoon full of crowds of alumni, honking cars, and drunks pissing in the streets.
Meanwhile in the boys' locker room, the ghost of Lucy waits impatiently for the team to begin showering. No Dan, I don't want to go to heaven yet! Just let me see a little horseplay, maybe some towel snapping!
What's that? Sure you're going to Heaven, Lucy. Maybe your demands drove a young man to death on the football field, but I can't see why a little thing like that would keep you out of Heaven.
And with a mighty lunge, Dan defies St. Peter and the will of the Almighty to burst into Heaven! If that's not a happy ending I don't know what is. Remember angels, no kissing!
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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