HINDSIGHT IS 20/20 DEPARTMENT: Back in the go-go 1990s comics were the hot new investment collectible. Everybody who lost their shirts collecting trading cards said so! Among the barrage of foil-stamped holographic crossover variant cover edition comics, several magazines appeared whose sole task was to educate a gullible and not very smart comic book buying public on the "hot" books they should spend their allowance on in any particular week. And like any successful trend, smaller, less polished versions of those magazines appeared, ready to try and sell their version of speculative reality to greedy yet fairly dim investors. Let's take a look at one of these guides and see how their investment strategies panned out!
Nothing says "trusted financial advisor" like a creepy comb-over and a bow tie. Gimmicks? Who needs them? Not us! In fact, this magazine doesn't even need an article about gimmicks; it's mentioned on the cover but is nowhere to be found inside the Comics Advisor. Remember this is for SERIOUS INVESTORS ONLY.
We learn from the editor that the Comic Advisor was created to educate the reader of the comic book marketplace. And then goes on to say that their purpose is to help us obtain a better understanding what is happening in the hobby and how it affects us. And in addition to that, to help create a better understanding of what is going on in the industry today.
The Comic Advisor seems a little confused.
There's a lotta text coming up so we're just going to have to break it down piece by piece. Bear with us here.
A. I haven't seen that mispelling of "Phoenix" since I was in elementary school. Thank you, Comic Advisor, for bringing back a little bit of my childhood.
B. This should be read in a loud, deep, echoey voice like that of a monster truck rally announcer.
C. So what the Comic Advisor is telling us is that the Comic Advisor is useless. Thanks!
D. I have no idea what this means.
So let's use the magic of LIVING IN TEH FUTURE to find out how accurate Comic Advisor's advice was!
Gen 13#1 is HOT HOT HOT! So hot that it's now worth FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! Just think if you'd have bought it in 1994 you would have made a profit of THREE BUCKS! That's enough for a coffee. Meanwhile, Deathblow - the comic named after the WORST PROSTITUTE EVER - Deathblow's hotness has made it so incredibly investment worthy that to purchase a copy today would eat up all your profits from selling your copy of Gen 13 #1. And the great circle of life continues.
What's that? Spawn's nemesis Violator gets his own comic book? Obviously this is a must have double bag item guaranteed to shoot up in value until it is worth... LESS than cover price. Insert comedy sad horn sound here. On the other hand, the fantastic success of the film based on "The Mask" has only slightly been marred by the failure of the sequel to the film based on "The Mask". You can now pick up the very first issue of the very first comic book that launched the cinematic success of Jim Carrey for $3.99, which coincidentally is how much you'll have to pay for a used copy of "The Mask" on DVD, or FOUR copies of "The Mask" on VHS.
Let's move on to some sage investment advice.
A. Those stacks and stacks of previously unsold comic books are going to WHOOSH right out the door? Dream on, retailer.
B. "the market is still expanding." See also "the check is in the mail" and "I promise you won't get pregnant."
C. How nice of those comic book retailers, taking time out from their busy day to help me plan my investment strategy around back issues of funnybooks starring "Elastic Lad" and "Insect Queen".
D. I bet you do.
All right! Now it's time for our checklist of comic books to look out for in the hot hot summer of '94!
A. Valiant presents us with the Chaos Effect which is followed by Chaos Effect Omega and The Choas Effect which might just be a typo. This leads to the formation of new titles, the most interesting title being "Title 11 Bankruptcy."
B. Marvel is ready to sell you lots of comics with the letter "X" in the title! Also: bankruptcy (in 1996).
C. Everything listed here happened in one issue of "Jimmy Olsen" back in 1963. SUCK IT 90's!!
D. FINALLY! A DC Universe that we can understand!
E. Not mentioned in this exciting Dark Horse Summer '94 preview are the two words that have kept Dark Horse profitable for decades: "Star Wars".
A. Yup, that comic book market is totally going to recover, which is at odds with what the Comic Advisor was telling us a few pages back about it 'still expanding'. Sometimes I think the Comic Advisor is just pulling this stuff out of his bow-tied ass.
B. Those darn speculators, buying comic books as some kind of demented investment strategy! Who would do that?! What kind of magazine would ADVISE people to purchase COMICS? Some sort of... I don't know, Comic Advisor, maybe?
C. Remember anyone who tells you they know what books are going to be hot - like the Comic Advisor did a few pages back - those people are FULL OF IT.
D. I think I know what they're trying to say here, which is that we shouldn't believe anything The Comic Advisor says, ever.
Well, that's it for our look at The Comic Advisor. What's waiting for us in the next issue?
Market Reports! Hot Picks! Charts! Cartoon bags full of money! BE HERE
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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