Hey kids! Ready for exciting space adventure on strange planets? Have you got twelve cents? Ten, eleven, one more, whoops, you dropped it. There. Twelve cents. Then stand by for excitement!
Fake Buck Rogers Guy promises us the most suspensful issue yet. I don't know if I'm ready to take his word at face value - I mean, look at his little star-spangled space outfit here - but why not, let's go for it.
Oh my god, America's favorite medium-priced domestically manuactured car company has gone on strike! But I thought they were a different kind of car company, not a race of fire beings spewed from the bowels of SATURN THE FIRE PLANET! Filled with hate for "the master planet, Earth", these flame beings are going to burn everybody alive, including what appears to be Elvis, or maybe Elvis's ugly cousin. Can't someone stop it?
SO THEY CALL ME MAD, EH? JUST BECAUSE I PREDICTED AN UPHEAVAL ON SATURN? AND SHOUT ALL THE TIME TO EVERYBODY?
I still don't understand. Saturn has no rings, outer space is white and filled with Little Dot dots, and SEE? SEE? ERUPTIONS! ADORA! THEY CALL ME MAD, EH? ERUPTIONS FROM THE VERY BOWELS OF THE EARTH, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE LOOKING AT SATURN, WHICH NO LONGER HAS ANY RINGS!! MAD, EH?
This is the kind of thing that makes children everywhere want to enter the science field; the ability to spin insane theories from wisps of data and spew them wild-eyed at your frightened daughter. I don't know what they are, I don't know when they'll attack, but I KNOW FOR A FACT THEY MENACE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Science.
Remember fellas! Don't be shy! Show your gal affection with a firm handshake. Let her know you care!
And then a giant fire being swoops out of the sky and carries them in its wake to the unknown depths of outer space. MAD, HUH? GUESS I WASN'T SO CRAZY AFTER ALL!
The mark of the true scientist is here reflected in the professor's willingness to adapt his outer-space monster theory to fit new data concerning strange sixth senses. This is how science works, kids! Always adapting!
Again we are shown a close-up of Saturn without rings. You know, Saturn, probably the one planet in the solar system that even grade-school children can draw... thanks to its gigantic, lovely rings. On the other hand, they give us a ring around what's clearly the Earth. I guess that's why Saturn is striking, they want their ring back.
Even fire beings from the bowels of Saturn believe in respecting the Comic Book Villain Code of explaining their evil plans to our heroes. Somebody's got to keep the traditions alive!
Professor Malvern's scientific plan? Leap out of the plane into a giant explosion, taking all the Fire Beings with him! If you have to go, I can't think of a better way. But what WAS that gigantic explosion? What could it be? Firecrackers? Those guys blowing up that dead whale on that beach? Mentos and Diet Coke? Mt. St. Helens?
So let's review. Malvern knew exactly when and where the government would be testing an atomic bomb, and he calculated that his fire-being-propelled trip from Saturn in a Piper Cub would put them directly over the atom bomb testing range at precisely the exact time necessary to engulf all the fire beings in its blast. We should be proud that we have such a destructive force in our arsenal, able to destroy our worst enemies at times that are so convenient to the plots of terrible science-fiction comics. Saturn's rings belong to us now, Fire Beings!
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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