We continue our Valentines-timed look into the world of human relationships with this penetrating expose of dating rituals amongst the North Americans! Is it your love story? No, this is OUR love story. Get your own love story!
I cannot tell you how dearly I wish for this to be a Three Stooges story titled "Moe Howard's Chick".
Dare WE find out what it's like to be the private property of Mr. Joe Howard? Let's!
Did you ever think your happiness at being Joe Howard's chick would never end? That's just what I thought.
"Oh, I'll pretend to fall. Then he'll have to rescue me!" At parties this technique is known as the "I'm sooooo drunk!" Won't work with Joe Howard, though. She's been his chick for YEARS! He's got the reciept and a warranty and everything!
"While those other girls have enjoyed the company of a wide variety of boys, I've stuck with Joe Howard! Lovin' every minute of it! I swear!"
Sometimes Joe had to study and Connie had to pass the time with the other (ugh!) girls at their pajama parties. That's what the girls are studying, pajama parties. Study hard girls!
Ha ha she's so much luckier than all those other girls. Here she is, rubbing the couples dance in all their jealous faces. The theme of tonight's dance is "hubris."
Usually when guys warn each other about "batting in the wrong league" they aren't talking about girls. I'm just sayin'. And this whole business about guys not hitting on some other guy's steady? What world is this comic book from, anyway? Are they married? No. Are they engaged? No. Then grow a pair, Groovy, and, in the words of Vanilla Ice, tell Connie to 'ditch the zero and get with the hero!' Statistically, that line has to work SOMETIME.
But no, Groovy won't dare poach on a fellow male's territory. And if Connie was to approach boys herself? Such a thing, it is not done!!
But even the most glorious of teenage love - well, I think these are teenagers anyway - even the most glorious teenage love comes to an end, and suddenly Joe and Connie are on the next flight to splitsville, population YOU! Serves you right for being so smug, little miss couples dance!
But now - now that Connie's a free agent - where are the boys? They're all strangers to Connie! Her phone isn't ringing! She must wait passively for somebody - anybody - to take action and free her from loneliness! Can we get one more page out of Connie's misery?
Yes we can! Turns out all the eligible boys are now either married or in college, which means that this whole time Connie has been the oldest-looking 17 year old in the world, which might explain her lack of dates.
She was foolish to go steady for so long! Remember that, girls. Don't stay tied down to that football captain or track star, give some other guys a chance. Like, say, that comic book reading nerd over there. Why not let HIM paw you at the movies for a change? (this message brought to you on behalf of lonely comic book reading guys everywhere.)
So, what's the solution for Connie? Take vows and become a nun? Volunteer work at the hospital? College? Actually, you know, talk to some guys?
Nope; leave town. That's all you can do, hop the next train outta here. Replace the heartbreak of being Joe Howard's Chick with, uh, the hearbreak of being Mrs. Somebody. That is the only way you will ever find happiness, we swear. So remember gals: date around, or end up like Connie!
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