It's 1983 and the world is surging into the MTV decade full speed ahead. Except for comic books; comics are still working their way through the 70s. Case in point: ALIEN SQUAD.

Alien Squad! Are they a squad of aliens? Are they a squad of people FIGHTING aliens? One thing's for sure, if it's from the hand of Ken Landgraf - which this is - we'll be seeing a lot of really dramatic inks on top of a lot of swipes. Which is what I mean when I say 'working their way through the 70s' - he's working his way tracing poses from a giant stack of comics from the 70s. Not that this is anything new in the field of comics, swiping is a proud tradition that our nation was founded upon. But enough - let's get right to the aliens and monsters and flames and outer space and fighting and stuff!!!

I understand that many times the beginning of any story can be the hardest part, but starting with Adam may perhaps be going back a bit too far.

Also: ALIENS! Where you at?

The very cosmos is unravelling as hordes of demonic spirits invade the minds, bodies, and souls of men! Also there are some spaceships. That's closer to aliens, I guess.

All right, evil spirits stalking the galaxy! And then there are these guys, who look like vagrants after a night of dumpster-diving out behind the San Diego Comic-Con. But hey. I bet we get our aliens now!!

Come on, aliens! Are you hiding behind this two-page spread of religious, historical, and allegorical imagery, ripe with meaning for Western civilization? I bet you are.

So this is a pretty dense piece here. Let's break it down.

You got your Jesus and your Napoleon and your World War One biplane getting shot down, probably by the Red Baron.

You have Vietnam, Communism, and a crusader riding past some giant rocket ships. It's all coming together!

Mayan human sacrifice, Hitler, a giant snake, the Bible, and the six-eyed goat of Revelation! My god, it all makes sense! The Red Baron went to Vietnam with Napoleon to start Communism but were fought by a giant snake in rocket ships and the Mayans - supported by Hitler - made the goat nail Jesus to the cross. ALIEN SQUAD!!!

No, wait, the eyes of god are looking at four people. Maybe these four people will be the foretold Alien Squad, as predicted on page 1 of "Alien Squad"! Dare we hope?

Don't despair, Django, God hears your cries and will soon release you from your bondage. At the same moment, but three million years ago (??), God also has fifty bucks on Kathor the four-armed gladiator.

And in a parallel universe, Belshazzan The Sorceror poses in his new swim trunks. We are gathering together an amazingly diverse group of Alien Squad members, it seems. I can't wait to see the exciting story that all this buildup and character introduction is leading to! I bet it'll be AWESOME.

TO BE CONTINUED??? WHAT THE HELL, ALIEN SQUAD!! You start this story off at ADAM IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, for Pete's sake, waste our time with millions of years of evil spirits and two-page spreads of world wars and eternal damnation, throw in characters from eons past and parallel universes and some duck-billed super freak monk, and it's 'to be continued'?

Alien Squad, you are a WASTE OF EVERYBODY'S TIME and I hope the aliens KICK YOUR ASS.