In the future, will mankind blast off into the outer universe, exploring the far reaches of space? Will the stars themselves give up their mysteries to our intrepid explorers? How will we solve the myriad problems of travelling through the distant empty spaces between solar systems? And will there be terrible self-published comics dealing with these concepts? I think you know the answer to at least one of these questions.

Join our unpronounceable comic book as we send young, female astronauts with amazing hair to explore distant planets that are just a little chilly! You see, in the future we've conquered space travel, but we've given up bras.

We begin our interstellar journey with a big fat caption of gibberish, and one important piece of data - "Theown" is the name of a character. Still don't know how it's pronounced, though. "Theown" as in "THE ON-ly comic book we'll ever publish"? Or "Theown" as "THE OW- I just hit my hand"?

Fun fact: the idea of sending frozen human embryos on immensely long space voyages, to be unfrozen, born, and raised hundreds of thousands of years later when the space ship reaches its destination, is a plan that's been proposed by actual scientists, who apparently have no problem condemning their offspring to be raised by computers millions of years from now far off in the void of space. The concept was explored in the masterful SF manga series "2001 Nights" by Yukinobu Hoshino, which later was published in English by Viz and was the basis for an original animated video directed by Yoshio Takeuchi, who also worked on Rose Of Versailles, Cobra, and Akira.

And in America, we got "Theown". Hooray.

Fun fact #2 - this business about the "Vian particle" and its ten thousand year peak cycle moving us forward 500 million years? Total nonsense.

When the spaceship reaches a suitable solar system, little homonoculi with amazing hair are grown in tanks. And that's where babies come from!

Children on board the spaceship Infinity are raised by pot-bellied robots and by strange alien beings who are made of pure energy, and who eventually will be called "thetans" and need to be removed by expensive e-meter therapy. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Friends? Companionship? Humans don't need those things to be conditioned for their destinies!

You know what else is conditioned here? Perhaps a little too conditioned? Hair.

Raised by robots, no friends or family to bother you, comfortable cushions and soda pop, watching 4 TVs at once -it's a nerd dream world!!

However, one day the spaceship is caught in some kind of outer space turbulence, expressed here through the medium of modern dance.

And it turns out that there are other people on board this gigantic spaceship, whose hair is not QUITE as magnificent as Theown's.

Together the two beautiful young people explore their desert island - I mean their spaceship, which is filled with so many high-tech wonders, like, uh, viewscreens, and fish, and, uh, stairs. Science fiction is hard!

Wow, you have ONE PICNIC with a girl and already she's got your whole life planned out for you! Picnics on other worlds? Slow down there girly! This wild stallion is gonna roam free for a little while longer!!

Whoops, the ship is repairing the damage and if our astronaut orphans are trapped outside their rooms, they'll die for lack of food and water. This is how we'll design spaceships in the future, with doors that can't ever be opened by anybody for any reason.

If only there was some way of finding out if there were more people on board this ship! Should we ask the computer? Investigate the life-support machinery? Bang on some walls? No, that's too much trouble.

And just when you think this comic is really going to turn into "The Blue Lagoon" in space, "Theolast" is once again segregated behind the walls of the spaceship, leaving Theown to bow her giant Alberto VO-5 conditioned head and raise her sticklike arms in sorrow.

Suddenly, five years later, Theown is ready for her mission! Yes, Theown, there ARE several planets in the universe! Several billion in fact!

Uh oh, something's happening in the "coummunications" center! Theolast was probing planet 2 of the system I-62354 and then his probe was terminated and that means he's dead. Yes, folks, the most dramatic thing to happen in this entire comic book is described in a caption.

And who's next to be thrown into the lion's den of planet 2 of the system I-62354? Why, it's Theown.

Special bonus points go to this comic for the last ever non-sexual use of the term "rimming".

who cares about the aircraft and the missiles, I want to know more about this fascinating water-based economy. Why not use water as a basis for currency? Money would literally fall from the sky! We'd all be rich!

And that's it, a journey of 500 million years, raised by robots, surviving the dangers of interstellar travel, a young potential romance snuffed out by doors nobody can open, it all ends here with our heroine getting shot down on the water planet Vrega, the second planet of the system I-62354. Will Theown survive? Will mankind still be alive in the year 342,525? You'll have to track down Theown #2 to find out! And when you do, let us know. I'm worried about her hair.