Dust off your fan magazines, get your turntable out of the attic, pick up some Partridge Family LPs from the nearest thrift store, and call Echo Valley 2-6809 because I think I love you, doesn't somebody want to be wanted? Well, the person that most girls aged 10-16 wanted was David Cassidy, the dreamy Partridge Family singer whose on-air mom was his actual real-life stepmom, Shirley Jones. But how do you really know you're a superstar? Why, you have your own comic book, of course!

Okay, fine, it's a Charlton comic, not exactly high up there on the comic book food chain, but let's not carp. The situation here is that David Cassidy is engaging in one of the key elements in any superstar's blazing career of stardom - autographing records in a department store. Ahh, the glamour of fame.

David Cassidy's keen Hollywood-trained eyes allow him to spot shoplifters from up to five miles away!

Am I going to turn you in? Of course not! My name's David Cassidy, not Jack Webb!

Here we see another part of the busy TV star lifestyle, picking up strange, possibly kleptomaniacal women. In hot pants. And if you happened to read David Cassidy's tell-all autobiography, then this whole "picking up random women" thing will come as no surprise to you whatsoever.

The Third Annual North Beach David Cassidy Fan Club Clam-Bake? Yeah, that does sound kind of funny, now that you mention it, look out for that dog David.

Uh oh, looks like David and his new pal have fallen victim to the old "leave a puppy in the middle of the road and when a car screeches to a halt, sell it to the driver" scam.

Our exciting car chase is suddenly replaced by an exciting foot chase. Your mileage for values of "exciting" may vary.

Trampled under dozens of bikini-clad girls? I think what we're seeing here isn't so much a David Cassidy story as it is some kind of fetish on the part of the writer.

The Rams must have really sucked that year. I can hear the coach now. "You pansies hit like the North Beach David Cassidy Fan Club!!"

"Hey gals! Here's a new friend for your fan club! I found her shoplifting in a department store! Well, she's your problem now! So long!"

But it isn't all clam-bakes and teenage bikini parties for David Cassidy- sometimes the demands of fame are grueling torture. Like the time he had to judge an Identical Twin contest. I don't know exactly what experience or criteria one needs to judge identical twins, but surely David Cassidy has plenty of it.

"That's right girls, if you practice every day maybe you'll be as good as the studio musicians and singers who provide the actual music that the Partridge Family pretends to play and sing. In fact I'm pretty sure you're already better at the tambourine than Tracy. And don't even get me started on whichever kid we have pretending to play drums this week. You'd think they could give us somebody who could actually keep time. Now go away, I want to talk to your big sister."

Gosh, steaks with David Cassidy at his beach house? I dunno. That's a tough sell for any early 1970s American teenage girl, steaks alone with David Cassidy at his beach house, and then of course writing it all up for 'Tiger Beat' magazine later. Well, I guess so. Let me go change into something a little trashier.

And their groovy underwater make-out session is interrupted by a prowler in David's beach house! Also interrupted by drowning. Oh, don't believe me? Go ahead, try this in real life sometime kids.

David Cassidy's life seems to be nothing but an endless parade of picking up girls and racing away from trouble in his tiny sportscar. When does he record his top-10 singles and star in his highly rated TV show?

Let's see, pursued by criminals, driving in my sportscar, where should we go? The police station? No, let's go to your house where your two adorable twin sisters are sleeping unprotected, and lead the criminals there, and THEN we'll call the police.

Hey, I already said my name isn't Jack Webb. If it's competent crime prevention you want, "Adam-12" is on another network.

Don't ignore those kooky notes, celebrities! Unless you WANT to be chased by two hunky moustache guys in a Mustang. Hey, I'm not here to judge.

Uh oh! David Cassidy's in a choke hold! This can only mean...

YES! Our assailant must be hip enough to use David's Choker "Luv" Beads! Now with new groovy bead designs! This is the same exact choker bead necklace that is currently being driven into David's windpipe by his attacker! You get plenty of beads, an instruction sheet, and a super thin needle, for shooting up drugs or something, I dunno. David's Choker "Luv" Beads. Ask for them by name when you're choking David Cassidy!

Wait, what? There are two Maras? Their mom beat 70 million-to-one odds and bore TWO sets of identical twins, years apart? This is a statistical freak of the highest magnitude! And it also lets David destroy a priceless Ming vase over the head of Choking "Luv" Beads here. So it's all good.

It's plain weird, is what it is. They're just freaks for your amusement, David. Better go home and sleep it off. You've got a tough day of pretending to sing, autographing LPs at the shopping mall, and picking up girls tomorrow.