What I really feel like reading today is a confusing story about a giant mullet-sporting computer man whose over-inked muscles throb with swelling potential. Can you help me out here, comics?
Hey, thanks comics! Gee, this is issue #002, though. I wonder if I'll be able to keep up with the no-doubt confusing story? Well, I'm sure there will be some kind of introduction for new readers.
That's Mechanically Engineered and Computerized Hero TRADEMARK to you, pal!
And in case you forgot what M.E.C.H. stands for, we get a handy reminder here on the first page. AND we get somebody adding their telephone number in blue ballpoint in what I can only assume is some kind of comic-book related pickup attempt. What we DON'T get is any sort of explanation as to who these people are and what they're doing. Sorry, readers.
Double-page spread of Compu-M.E.C.H. pointing and attacking and Tommy both being attacked and lying comatose in a bed! So I think part of this is a dream sequence. Maybe. Compu-M.E.C.H.'s Compu-Package there is certainly dreamlike.
Finally some expository dialog contained inside a flashback inside what may be a dream sequence! Compu-M.E.C.H. teleports to a hijacked 747, points a gun at the hijacker, belts him one, and then whoops, the 747 runs out of fuel AND photo reference at the same time.
Turns out when you ground a 747 to your helmet transmitters and teleport the whole thing to the ground and your blood pressure drops precipitously, you pass out and go into a coma and your Compu-M.E.C.H. body starts trying to kill you in a dream. So don't do this, kids.
Now it is me who has the control! Control of everything except proper grammar, and pistol marksmanship!
Professor Crazybald here wrinkles his face up like a Muppet and swears to close down the Compu-M.E.C.H. project for good. I guess this will mean no more Compu-M.E.C.H. comics, so I agree with this assessment.
Tommy wakes up and our whole desperate me-kill-you situation is revealed to be just a dream. We're only on page 5 of this comic book and already they're resorting to "it was all a dream"?! How lame can you get? I'm going to call that phone number on page 1 and complain!!
ONE WEEK LATER THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE IS WARPED AND THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND PERSPECTIVE GO ALL CRAZY ON EVERYBODY.
Tommy, eager to continue with the program that allows him to control a super powered mullet man, tries to convince Dr. Green to continue the project by using words like "phaze" and "save game feature".
Dr Green is convinced by Tommy's iron-clad debating skills. We're going to make it work, preferably through another two-page spread!
And soon Compu-M.E.C.H. is back and ready for exciting Compu-M.E.C.H. action, hopefully involving phazing and game saving! Is this the end of our exciting Compu-M.E.C.H. story? Is there more Compu-M.E.C.H. adventure to come? Are you tired of reading the word "Compu-M.E.C.H." over and over?
Yes! It's New Years Eve 1999 and as millions of computer programmers work to save us all from the Y2K bug, an evil Zepplin filled with evil robots controlled by a dastardly mastermind prepares to launch a campaign of world conquest, which somehow involves a "web sight".
Utilizing technology pioneered in a very special episode of "Pokemon", Mr. Koshido has managed to infect the entire World Wide Web with his hypnotic suggestions. In fact you may be under the control of those hypnotic suggestions right now! Which is why you're clicking on all of Mr Kitty's ad partners and PayPal-ing us money at this very minute. Just type "hypnotic suggestion" in the comments, that's right, thanks.
Panels like this- in which a tiny-faced man, overwhelmed by the over-stuffed sausage casings of his musclely, shiny robot body, shouts ATTACK as swarms of robots flitter behind him like confused starlings - panels like this are why we got into the Stupid Comics game in the first place.
Also, the typo is simply charming.
Your mass hysteria guidelines: If you are Michael Jackson, place the right arm horizontally across the chest while raising the left arm slightly. If you are what appears to be a male-to-female trans person, lift the garbage can above your head so we can see your curiously defined pectorals and your mullet. If you are a NYC cop, do NOT start shooting at random. The 'stoke of midnight' is no time for typical behavior!
Luckily, Tommy and Dr. Green were not at any parties or any social gatherings whatsoever. They were able to send Compu-M.E.C.H. into action without delay! And just as quickly determine that Compu-M.E.C.H. is pretty much useless in this situation!
How dare Compu-M.E.C.H. try to "impose" Koshido's plans! Those plans are Koshido's to impose! Oh, you meant "oppose". Wow, that completely changes the meaning of that sentence! I'd better bend my knees some more into this weird squat position, so as to show off my mighty thigh muscles, and re-formulate my response.
THIS BATH OF HYPNOTIC "SEZURE" LIGHT WILL CONVINCE YOU THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL THE WORD "SEIZURE". You must be a robot!
It goes without saying that you can't shoot innocent bystanders, but leave it to Compu-M.E.C.H. to say it anyway.
Dr. Green greenbeams a high frequency signal to Compu-M.E.C.H. who broadcasts it to the entire crowd, releasing them from their hypnotic bondage and totally taking the spotlight away from Dick Clark, *NSYNC, and Phish. A combination victory for Compu-M.E.C.H.!!
And here comes the US Air Force to FINALLY investigate what a Zeppelin is doing flying around NYC, releasing destructive robots and generally confusing people who thought the last Zeppelin had been demolished over fifty years ago. We've saved the day and the world lives on - thanks to doning, sezures, web sights, and Compu-M.E.C.H.! Thanks for coming! Call me!
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