Just in time for another big Hollywood film starring a big super-hero property, none of the profits of which will in any way be distributed to the estates of the men who created him, it's Captain America! Yes, Captain America, the Axis-smashing hero who fights for the American values of freedom, fair play, justice, equality, and the occasional casual racism. But hey, it was wartime.

Somewhere in the midwest Captain America and Bucky - in their secret non-hero identities as Steve Rogers and, uh, Bucky - are about to find themselves embroiled in a World War Two adventure that is ripped right out of the headlines of the newspapers, provided the newspaper is "Mystical Horror Monster War Tales Weekly."

Look at this outrageous, patently false fake-scientific outrage... no, wait, the Japanese actually did use germ warfare in China during World War Two. They actually did do that. Google "Unit 731" sometime if you want to be really disturbed.

Meanwhile in far-off Japan, as noted by the rising sun motif, the incense-spewing dragons, and the leering visages of our honorable Asiatic opponents, the honorable Dr. Togu appears before his venerable superiors, who are of course honorable.

Not satisfied with his germ warfare, Dr. Togu delved deep into the realms of psuedo-science and learned the secrets of the vampire! Also, *I* learned that the writer of this comic wasn't really sure what "psuedo-science" actually means.

And soon enough, Japan's war against America enters a new, disturbing, and amazingly inefficent phase - the phase of killing American soldiers one at a time by slowly draining their blood.

Note that Steve Rogers' army camp has suddenly moved from the Midwest to somewhere near the Pacific Coast. I know the US was mobilizing quickly, but this is ridiculous!

Hearing a strange howling, Steve and Bucky abandon their post during wartime (a capital offense) and change into their super-hero identities of Captain America and, uh, Bucky. Because of a strange howling. War nerves, I guess.

I think Bucky is enjoying this a bit too much. "Don't let go! Yahoo!"

But Bucky is saved by the shield of Captain America, which forces those who chose to oppose it to yield. I guess if he was using that shield as a, you know, shield, it might have protected his eyes from the slashing wings of the vampire. Maybe Captain America needs TWO shields.

Ah, enter Sgt. Duffy, the character who exists to parade around in his Class A uniform and holler at Steve Rogers and fail to notice vampires hanging from the ceiling. With professional soldiers like Sgt. Duffy around, it's no wonder we were surprised at Pearl Harbor.

Surprised by another Japanese sneak attack! Disturbed from the bed you share with your teenage companion! It's time to suit up and battle evil, Captain America! Wait, what was that middle thing again?

Hmm, Bucky dropped his Sentinel Of Liberty Badge! Exactly like the one YOU can get for your very own by sending ten cents in to the Captain America Sentinel Of Liberty Club! Do YOU want to be the only kid on your block without a badge identifying YOU as a Sentinel Of Liberty?

Vampires, whether Japanese or European, are traditionally drawn to old, abandoned castles. Why not hurl your teenage companion over the wall and see if a vampire is there? Yahoo! Wow!

The West Coast of America is filled with abandoned castles, left empty after the Depression, relics of the great real estate boom of the 1920s when everybody wanted their own castle. Just smash open the door, Captain America. Freedom doesn't knock!

Drink strange liquid, put on little yellow trunks, and NOW THE VAMPIRE WILL STRIKE AGAIN

Like all vampires in stories that the writer can't figure out how to end, our Japanese vampire is destroyed by the rays of the sun, which in this case do not fry the vampire like bacon, but instead just turn him back into his human form. At any rate he's met the end of all who meddle in nature's dark secrets. How do you think Stephen Hawking got stuck in that wheelchair? Meddling in the secrets!

Name Of a Thousand Dragons! Honorable Japanese are so distressed by accursed sarcastic American note that we must without delay commit honorable Hari-Kari to appease spirits of ancestors! And thus the shockingly effective American "mean letter" campaign was launched, which took a terrible toll on suicide-minded Japanese, who are always one "loss of face" incident away from popping their corks anyways. And then we won the war, and shortly thereafter quit portraying Japanese as befanged Oriental masters of terror, and instead they became our Asian buddies against the Chinese and the North Koreans, who in turn revealed their true natures as, yes, befanged Oriental terror masters.

Will we be seeing this kind of energetic, borderline racist action-adventure on the big screen as super-hero movies reach an even more successful level of box office domination? Will the mega-corporations that own these lucrative properties ever do the right thing and kick back a portion of their billion-dollar profits to the families of the men who, you know, created these lucrative properties? Only the smiling faces of Captain America and Bucky know - and they aren't telling! Now back to bed, you two.