Ever wanted to be trapped on a tropical island with your family, able to survive only by your wits, whatever happened to be on the boat that wrecked you, and the lush natural environment of the South Seas? Then you probably read "Swiss Family Robinson" by Johann David Wyss. Or saw the Disney movie from 1960. Or maybe the RKO picture from 1940, though that's not likely since Disney suppressed the earlier version when theirs was released. I can tell you who DID see the 1940 version - some comic book artists and writers working for CRACKERJACK COMICS in the early 40s, who took Swiss Family Robinson right back to its roots as "Robinson Crusoe" - but kept the family angle! What exciting adventures will the shipwrecked Crusoe family get themselves into?

We open with the Crusoe family secure in their stockade-farm complete with giant treehouse, pig pen, garden plots, and a well. All the comforts of home. But here's the question - how are they fixed for firearms? Sure, they must have a rifle or two.

Oh, a rifle or two... HUNDRED. Luckily, their ship was on its way to a war somewhere and had an enormous stockpile of weapons. Remember to keep them loaded and handy at all times, especially when the small children are around!

Gee I wonder if those savages whose village we destroyed will in any way feel angry or vengeful towards us? I doubt it, says Dad. Best not to worry about it. Anyway, we have entire dining room sets to make out of bamboo, there's no time to fret!

Hey Dad, I could build a lookout platform at the top of this tree and we could see anybody coming from miles around. Pull up the rope and the pulley and hook on the counter weight. There, now we can spot threats a long ways off. I bet this wil come in handy.

Nope, that whole page of lookout-platform building was a complete waste, because the first warning we get of a savage native attack is the "peekaboo" face of a savage native poking his head over the stockade. Followed immediately by Mom blowing a hole in his head with her lever-action Winchester. Mom used to do this at home to the door-to-door salesmen and the Jehovah's Witnesses. That's why we're living on this island now.

Mom and Dad pour a deadly rain of hot lead into the ranks of savage attacking savages. Just pretend they're those busybodies at the PTA or the Homeowners Association, and the rest is easy.

They've beaten back the first attack - but Paul is missing! Where is he? Ashamed to show his face over the failure of his treetop lookout? Sure, why not.

Paul spots the canoes of the invading warriors and feels the best course of action would be to prevent them from leaving the island. I don't know if I follow his logic here, but let's see where this is going.

OH IT'S TRICKY, he's camoflaged little holes in the canoes that won't open until the canoes are already in the water and then they'll all sink and drown! That is pretty sneaky there Paul!

D'oh. Everybody got captured and they're all going to be taken away on the canoes... the canoes that Paul "fixed". Whoops


And do you think Paul is going to let a chance to blast away at some savages pass by without firing rapidly at their bobbing heads with deadly accuracy? Letting not one of them escape alive? Certainly not! What kind of family do you think Mr Crusoe is raising here anyway?

Drowning, deadly accurate gunfire, and now sharks. I GET IT, COMIC BOOK, YOU REALLY DON'T LIKE US SAVAGE NATIVES. FINE, WE'LL JUST DIE. HAPPY NOW??

And just to drive home the cruel realities of life as a castaway family forced to massacre hordes of savage natives, it's burial detail time. SOME HAPPY FUN TIME COMICS EH KIDS?!

Night falls and the Crusoes retire, to clean their firearms and sharpen up the buryin' shovels. Another adventure of the beloved Crusoe family will appear in the next issue, so be ready to duck. They don't give warning shots.