It's time once again to venture into American History as interpreted by our most learned historical scholar, Al "Jesus Loves Betty" Hartley. Prepare to feel your patriotic heart swell with religious patriotism and patriotic religion as Hartley shows us how America was founded, kinda sorta!

Our guide through the wonderful world of the American Revolution is none other than Yankee Doodle, a towheaded young go-getter who symbolizes the Spirit Of Liberty, shown here galloping at breakneck speed straight towards making YOU feel better about America.

Not shown: Yankee Doodle window-shopping in the slave markets of Charleston, hanging out at Wounded Knee, shooting Chinamen for the railroad, or enjoying the tropical climate of My Lai.

Back in 1776 Yankee Doodle is captured by the redcoats, who wish to be told all about the silly notions of freedom developed by, uh, redcoat thinkers like John Locke. "I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DAD!"

But Yankee Doodle's youthful boisterness and circular logic proves too much for the stuffy lobsterbacks, who throw him in the brig.

Luckily when God sets you free - meaning, benevolently allows you to free yourself - you're free for keeps!

FUN FACT: Apparently Patrick Henry's famous "give me liberty" speech included some graphic language that didn't make it into the historical record. Regardless, Patrick Henry speaks for all of us when he demands liberty, and I sure hope the ladies in this scene aren't holding their breath because that liberty gonna be a long time coming.

Not depicted in this comic: well known patriot and total atheist Thomas Paine. Teach the controversy, Hartley!!

What's that? The rebels are moving cannon atop Bunker Hill? That'll make it really easy for the National Park people hundreds of years later, because the actual fighting took place on Breed's Hill, and it didn't go well for the Americans who retreated to Cambridge on their fixies for some lattes and vinyl while combing their hipster beards.

And just in time for the musical, the Declaration of Independence is signed in Philadelphia on July 4 1776, and then within minutes Yankee Doodle and his pal ride hundreds of miles to witness the retreat of Washington's army. Those are some fast horses.

Things look bad for the Continentals! It seems some people want all the benefits of freedom, but none of the responsibilities! That would be pretty much everybody, I think. But that's wrong thinking! Time for a double-page spread of American greatness!

Yup, white people came to a completely unoccupied continent inhabited by nobody and hewed a great nation with their bare hands and without the help of any, what do you call those people, oh yeah, slaves. None of those guys. Nobody here but us blonde English-speaking Europeans all worshipping the same God in exactly the same fashion. Puritans, Catholics, Methodists - what's the diff?

Nothing funny to add here, just wanted to say how much I love the happy little head of Yankee Doodle peering in the window there. So happy.

This reads like the lead-in for an episode of IN SEARCH OF. "Did mysterious forces from beyond help the American patriots defeat the British? Stay tuned!"

And ANOTHER grinning head of Yankee Doodle. Is there no panel he can't enliven?

Remember God is always on the side of people who are on his side who are blessed. If YOUR country isn't doing so well, maybe it's because you just don't love God enough! Don't worry about good government or justice or fair laws or responsible husbandry of resources or wise foreign policy; it's all in loving God enough, that's the secret to a nation's success.

Matinee Idol George Washington smiles knowingly, melting the hearts of a million patriot ladies. The grinning head of Yankee Doodle appears in the window. England decides to cut her losses and say to hell with it, we've still got Canada anyway, and we've got that big fight with France coming up in a few years, better get ready for that.

Thank you lord! Yes, Jesus was there at Yorktown, blasting hundreds of redcoats with his laser eyes and growing to giant size to crush them beneath his sandalled feet. Because he's Jesus and he can do anything, right? Right? Remember what makes America strong - families that love each other and God! Also nuclear weapons, those make America strong too. But mostly families and loving.

Here the well known Christian minister holy man Ben "Hellfire Club" Franklin helps Yankee Doodle to be the first in a long line of people to totally misinterpret the First Amendment.

Remember America faces great threats like Stalin, Hitler, that well-known atheist the Ayatollah Khomeni, and the most evil man in history, Fidel Castro, whose awesome military might threatens America daily! Don't let kooky scientists, ignorant college professors, and stoners (?) keep you from trusting in God!

SERIOUSLY AL HARTLEY? You don't think Khomeni trusts in GOD? That's his WHOLE THING!

Don't let the Tandy TRS-80 with integrated green-screen monitor and two (2!) 5.25 inch floppy drives distract you from God! Just listen to Thomas Jefferson, who was such a total Christian that he even put together a version of the New Testament that left out all the 'son of God' stuff. No, seriously, he really did that.

Really enjoying the look of utter disdain on Blondie's face here as she disgustedly contemplates actually attending (ugh) church. Even the pony is confused!

Each new generation recieves the torch of liberty, and hey, look, some black people! Sorry that torch of liberty took so long, guys. We had to get another war out of the way and everything. I can't wait for the next issue in which Yankee Doodle sells whiskey and smallpox-infected blankets to all the indigenous peoples that we didn't see in this comic!

Remember to have fun and adventure with American heroes like Yankee Doodle and Archie. Hmm, I wonder which of these characters will continue to be published into the 21st century? Probably not the kid on the horse.