Hey, what time is it? It's time for another grab-bag of examples of the REAL power behind comic books - the ads. Those crazy story-interrupters who were the actual reason behind funnybooks - to act as a Sea Monkey-delivery-system getting Pop Rocks and Grit into the brains of impressionable young people, a magic mirror allowing us to look inside the minds of the people trying to sell things to kids.
First off we know kids love horrifying freakish creatures, right?
They're sure to love these posters of hot-rod monsters, which were drawn by the number-one eighth-grade notebook hot-rod monster doodler of Mrs. Johnson's entire class. Orders may be delayed slightly because Billy has detention all week, caused by wasting valuable class time doodling hot-rod monsters.
If you're really mad at Billy for his sloth in producing doodles of hot-rod monsters, you might want to beat the crap out of him, and there's no better way than with the ancient Oriental art of Ju-Jitsu!
HEY FELLERS! You should have seen Jimmy lick Big Butch! With Ju-Jitsu, I mean! Not the other way! That's sick!
You can learn many amazing things with Ju-Jitsu, to wit:
For instance, you can learn "how to hit where it hurts". Wait a minute, you don't need to know Ju-Jitsu for that; the secret is "the junk". Just remember that and you'll win every fight.
If you aren't a good study at the mystical Oriental fighting arts, then you'd better be good at the most vital survival art of all - running away. And we have just the spokesman for that.
Yes, it's running back, alleged murderer, and current jailbird OJ Simpson, gathering some lucrative endorsement fees that he'll later be forced to hand over in various legal fees, judgements, and penalties. Because of the, you know, murdering.
One thing's for sure, if you're a sports star you'll get the girls. But if you aren't a sports star then you need to take other steps. Luckily comic books are here to help you improve everything about your life!
Why stay skinny? Listen to the naked stranger in the locker room as he begins an awkward, naked conversation with you about how skinny you are! Nobody is just "naturally" skinny! Except the skinny people, I guess. Luckily, the leopard-print Speedo man with the slicked back hair can teach you how to bulk up and be a real man, not some kind of skinny weirdo. Don't you want to put on some healthy weight and stop those weird discussions with naked strangers in locker rooms? I bet you do!
And once you've put some muscle on, it's time to think about how badly you smell. Better cover that up.
Wouldn't you like to be a fake Avon lady, selling glamorous beauty products door to door? Aren't you curious to find out exactly how terrible a cologne you bought out of a comic book smells? I bet you are!
So fellas, you bulked up and you smell nice. What about your beard and moustache? Oh, you don't have one. Well, comic books can fix that!
Just drop $7 on the assortment from the Masculiner Company (I love that name!), and soon you can enjoy an exciting romantic look any time with fake costume beards! Accentuate your look with fake sideburns and a fake goatee and watch the girls come a'running - to look at the weirdo with the fake sideburns! That's OK though, there's a money back guarantee, which I'm sure is as reliable as their fake beards.
But muscles, fake moustaches, and smelling funky simply isn't enough. Today's modern now-a-go-go women want one thing and one thing only, and that's diamonds. Sparklers. Ice. And baby... that's cold. However, comic books are here to help with this, too!
Yes sir, drop $500 or $1000 on a diamond ring you bought out of a comic book. Go on, I dare you! Of course, it helps if you're lonely, probably drunk, away from home, and smitten with that girl at the bar off-base who seems to like you. Go ahead, buy her a diamond ring on the installment plan from that ad in the issue of "Ghostly Haunts" that's been lying around the barracks. It can't hurt... anything but your credit rating! See the notice at the bottom: "active duty military personnel only" - that means Military Diamond Sales only sells to people with a guaranteed income and a fixed address and decision-making skills that may perhaps not always be in their own best interest. Before you know it, every bit of your monthly pay is gone before you even get it. Which is OK, you'd just spend it on beer and gambling, and the rest you'd squander.
But let's say you're not in the military, that means one thing - you need a job! Hey, comics can help with that too!
Want a 1950 Gov't Job? Why, many positions are available! I want to be a "Liquor Inspector." That means I can go into any bar anywhere in the country, announce that I'm a US Government Liquor Inspector, and WHAM, free drinks! This one's a little strange, bartender, better set me up with another one - just to be sure!
Or, if actually working is too tough for you, comic books can assist you in merely adopting the outer appearance of employment, sure to impress everyone.
Go on, wear the same shirt the stuntmen wear on the set! All the girls will think you're an Actual Hollywood Stuntman! They'll be breaking chairs over your back all day long, setting you on fire, and throwing you off buildings like crazy! Who wouldn't want that?
But you know, work, and pretending to work in order to impress girls, it takes a lot out of you. Sometimes you just need to kick back and relax with a tall, cold, refreshing video game. And Atari is here to help with that!
Take a look inside the Battlezone cartridge - this is actually what happens inside each Atari 2600 cartridge, not a circuit board and those familiar gold contacts you have to clean with alcohol and a Q-tip after two or three decades of Atari 2600 play, but an actual little headband-sporting guy riding around on top of a tank blasting enemy supertanks and spaceships and missiles, contorting in ecstacy atop his phallic "weapon" as he climaxes in a forceful explosion of joy. Yeah, I know I read too much into this stuff sometimes, but jesus, look at that last panel. Somebody needs a cigarette.
Speaking of exciting action, nothing is more exciting than G.I. Joe, Fighting Man From Head To Toe, especially in the post-Vietnam era when Hasbro figured soldiers weren't "cool" any more and decided to make G.I. Joe into an eagle-eyed 'action man' having non-war adventures with a team of other bearded 'action men'.
Here G.I. Joe and his friend Mike Power The Atomic Man, who sports a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and a super atomic bionic arm, does that remind you of any other mid 1970s bionic adventure hero, give it a minute, it'll come to you, anyway they're just flying around holding onto each other, when who should come bulleting through the air but forgotten 1940s third-string superhero Bulletman! Bulletman is the most FANTASTIC action hero you've EVER SEEN, THAT'S WHO!!
Bulletman destroys an entire mountain to save a town from flooding, thereby creating an immense ecological disaster as the normal flow of this river is completely stopped, flooding everything behind it and ruining the livelihoods of everybody downstream who depended on that water for crops, drinking, fishing, etc. All for the sake of keeping a few basements from getting wet. Thanks Bulletman! You're The Most Fantastic Action Hero I've Ever Seen!
Hey Bulletman! Why not join our Adventure Team! Why, next to your amazing flying bullet powers, my Eagle Eye and Kung-Fu Grip look kind of pathetic! But that's OK, because this iteration of the Joe Team only lasts another year or so, and soon Bulletman and Mike Power The Atomic Man will be erased from history, along with Space Caveman The Intruder, who really scared me as a kid. Space Cavemen... brrr.
Yep, it's true, kids love toys, and there's nothing kids love more than getting actual name-brand non-ripoff toys. Right?
Here It Is! I Can't Believe It's Not Slinky, the amazing Not-Slinky toy that totally is NOT this other famous toy! Want to see that barely-repressed look of disappointment on your child's face? Get 'em Mr Walker! But wait, there's more!
Don't waste your time with "Silly Putty". Go all the way - go NUTTY! Yes, it's Nutty Putty. Or perhaps it's "Putty Nutty". The ad isn't sure. One thing we DO know - this stuff is great fun! You can bounce it, hit it, stretch it, and mold it, just like that other stuff, what was it's name...
But let's face it. If you're spending a lot of time reading comic books, then you likely have a personality issue that affects everyone you come in contact with, whether at home or school or work, or riding the range with the other cowboys.
That's right, you're BORING. Boring your fellow cowpokes with pointless stories and dull anecdotes, probably about comic books. Well, maybe comic books can help? Are You A Bore?
Comic books CAN help, with simple techniques that can pay you real dividends. Send away for our free booklet. A postcard will do. Stop letting Sally Ann steal your dates! Hey, maybe Ju-Jitsu can help here too, or hitting her with your free sample cologne bottle, or maybe Bulletman can drop a mountain on her. Or blast her with a tank. Comic books! Providing multiple solutions to all your problems! Is there anything they CAN'T do?
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