LONELY HEARTS DEPT: Are you tired of girls who only go for the "bad" boys and leave nice, clean cut boys such as yourself out in the cold? You have two choices: you can either buy a leather jacket and become a drug dealer, or read this week's entry from Girls' Love (Stories)!

I frankly question how much our heroine loves either boy, given the way she's monologuing during her makeout sessions. Especially since her monologues are just complaints about whatever boy she's necking with.

Of course she can't resist the dreamy Mike, because he has his very own motorcycle and treats her like shit! If she wanted to keep warm she should've gotten herself her own motorcycle jacket, or at least a long frilly buccaneer coat to go with her pirate shirt.

She may not be thinking with her head, but you can be Mike is thinking with his! His LITTLE head, am I right?

You know, his penis??

"Funny... I always thought love would be more... what's the word? Pleasant. And less like... you know... constant humiliation. But those were just silly childhood fantasies!"

5 seconds after she drifts off to sleep, the framed photo demands she gets up and get it a Coke.

Gee, I dunno why you'd continue seeing Pete... maybe because he owns a car and once in a while you like to sit in a seat rather than straddling the fake leather saddle of Mike's ricer?

But nah it's probably the ascot.

Incidentally her name is Donna. Four pages into a nine page story and the main character finally gets named. It's pretty obvious Mike has no idea what her name is, which is why he would never ask her anything. "So whaddya think uh... chick?"

Pete is a very accomodating guy who does whatever Donna asks, like if she wants to just stop the car dead in the middle of the road, he'll stop the car dead in the middle of the road. I think I was behind Pete and Donna on the expressway today.

Yeah, nothing says "true love" quite like mental gymnastics and word salad such as "he is the way he is". Are you describing Mike or Popeye?

I didn't know to whom to turn to whom! First! Anyway this is the part of the story where the two boys fight over her.

Oh wait, no it isn't. Pete's weaseling out. n/m

Oh Mike, she wasn't cheating on you behind your back! She was doing it right under your nose! Sheesh get it straight.

It's a tight race to see who can demean themselves most, Donna for begging Mike to take her back right in front of Pete, or Pete for continuing the date like she wasn't just begging another guy ten seconds earlier.

Oh... so no, it's apparently Mike who's demeaning himself... ok. Anyway Donna just likes to watch the fights.

And the race to lose the most dignity in the least amount of time continues unabated, with Pete insisting Donna should keep dating him because "BUH BUT I LOVE YOU MORE THAN HE EVER CAN".

And then without warning, Biker Dude rows up beside them completely silently, close enough to bump his canoe against theirs, and just jumps the hell in! Never mind motorcycles and mistreating women, this guy should go out for the Olympic rowing team.

So I guess the real moral of this story is: If you can't swim, you shouldn't go out on the water without proper flotation devices, especially in something as prone to tipping as a canoe and especially not if your boyfriend is an asshole.

Wait, maybe the real moral of the story is: if there's a girl you like who doesn't like you back, and she can't swim, take her for a canoe ride somewhere where her boyfriend will see and tip the canoe over so you can rescue her and then she'll like you.

blahblahblahblah we're out of pages so they have to get together so let's cram a lot of words in increasingly tiny lettering explaining all of Donna's motivations for preferring Mike to Pete when in reality she prefers Pete to Mike. THE END. And remember, if you want to feel safe always date a certified lifeguard in a quick-dry ascot.