Election Time is rolling around again and that means lots of grumbling from people who don't think their vote counts, why bother, the reptile people in league with the Space Bankers control everything. Well, those people are clearly insane. Voting is your right, your privilege, and your duty as a citizen! Don't believe us? Well, here's a snappily-illustrated comic book that will tell you all about it.
Nice suit, jogs well in dress shoes, and a classy cigar accentuating that bag over his head - why not let this guy steal your vote? He clearly wants it more. Wait, hold on there a minute.
Wake up mister! I've decided that this house is the perfect place for me to raise my bag-headed family of cigar smoking freaks! And the cops are on my side!
How did he get all this power? Did he use that briefcase full of fear gas that drives men insane? No, wait, that's a Batman villain. This man is EVEN MORE HEINOUS.
Remember earlier tonight when you were too lazy to go out and vote? That's right, when you don't vote, that potential decision floats unused in the air, powerless to stop the votes of bag-headed, cigar-smoking freaks. And when you somehow prevent your wife from voting - not quite sure how that works, something to do with the 1950s, I guess - that's TWO votes left without a purpose in life. A double vote-icide!
A 13 percent turnout! That's pretty disgusting, Fred. You suck, and most of your neighbors suck. Citizens in every other developed nation are laughing at you and your sucky turnout. Bag-head man thinks it's swell, however, because puppets! Whee!
That jerk down the street is my boss? That dumb blonde in the office tells me what to do now? THIS CANNOT STAND! But... but my easy chair is so comfortable! My pipe, so aromatic! How can I leave my pipe?
I cannot imagine the eerie silence that would descend upon bars, workplaces, street corners, and call-in talk radio if the people who didn't bother to vote would keep their mouths shut because they gave up the right to choose their government. It would be downright creepy. Actually, no, no, it would be super awesome.
What did I tell you, Fred? The people VOTED to let me take your house, and you did nothing to stop them! So, which way to the beer fridge? I hope these windows are double-paned! Is there hardwood flooring under this carpet? When was the last time your ducts were cleaned? What's that? Black mold under the baseboards? You're underwater on this mortgage? The gas lines need replacing, the furnace is 35 years old and the plumbing is shot and that insulation in the attic is just old newspapers? DAMN YOU FRED YOU TRICKED ME
This last sequence brought to you by "Home Ownership". Home Ownership - it's great! Try some today!
Tell me more, Walter Cronkite. Only HALF OF THE REGISTERED VOTERS bothered to get out and vote for president? That's disgusting. Why, I bet in forty or fifty years of getting out the vote and working hard we can get that percentage up to... let's see... fifty-SEVEN percent. Take that, nay-sayers! How about THAT, mister bag-head?! Get out! GET OUT!
Doodley-doodley-doodley-doo... it was all a dream. All a dream! Wake up Fred! You've had a terrible nightmare of handing over your rights as a citizen to some freaky bag-head apparition, allowing kooks, thugs, and weirdos to control your very nation! But there's something you can do to stop them from ruining the country - get out there and vote! VOTE, FRED! Oh wait, the polls closed at 6pm because we live in a state that figures on making voting as difficult as possible for, you know, THOSE people. 6pm! Can you believe it? Why, the voters ought to throw those bums out and vote in some people who will make some changes. And we'll do it, if we can remember to vote, and if we can get to the polling station on time. And if the weather is OK, and there's nothing good on TV.
So don't be a Fred - don't wait for a Batman villain to give you municipal nightmares! Get out there and vote!
And if you needed any further incentive, let some smelly, drug-abusing hippies give it a shot.
NO PIZZA FOR YOU FAT FREDDY! Want pizza? Then get out there and vote. Vote! Just think, you could be voting against a future Richard Nixon!
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