It's Christmastime again, time to nail up the stockings and hang the wreaths and do all that stuff which we haven't done yet. Because procrastination. Then we'll leave the lights up until Valentines Day, because procrastination. It's also time for Christmas shopping, and there's nothing that makes Christmas shopping better than free promotional comic books produced by Classics Illustrated to really rev the Christmas excitement up to new levels!

You'll notice the giant blank space at the bottom of this cover, it's for your local department store to stamp their name and address so you'll know who to thank in your prayers and with your shopping allegiance in future. And now let's begin.. our Christmas Adventure!

Your adventure starts with unsafe ladder use causing a tragic accident in a typical American home. Sadly these children will never see Christmas again. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. THE END

No wait, they're merely knocked unconscious and are hallucinating wildly as their spongy brain tissue recovers from the shock of being jolted around inside their little skulls. Whee! Remember Santa cannot refuse any boy or girl on Christmas Eve. So ask for a pony, not some goofy trip!

First stop is Mexico, where likely most of your Christmas toys are made. Hey look, it's a pinata. The poor pinata gets dragged out every time gringos want to show a Mexican festival. Clay pinatas have been widely replaced with those made of papier-mache, which means we don't get quite the same satisfying "smash" from a lucky hit. On the other hand we're not stepping on sharp pieces of broken pottery afterwards, either. Progress!

Fireworks? Is it New Years yet? No, we're in Brazil already. No Christmas traditions for the Canal Zone or Suriname, sadly.

It's summer down there right now and our artist really isn't sure what Brazil or Brazilians look like, so let's go with some vaguely Latin people, some big hats and guitars, and a tasteful loafer for Santa to fill with... with what? His smelly feet? Brazil nuts? Don't leave me hanging here, comic.

And here we are on the other side of the world in Armenia, the first nation to adopt Christianity as its religion, didja know. Check it out, they're eating pilaf, one of the many options of side dishes you can get with your steak here in America.

Then it's up to the roof to catch the "fried wheat" your parents throw at you. I think in the West we call those "doughnuts."

and then it's a short hop over the Balkans to visit the Czech children, along with my friends the Crypt Keeper and Angel Jones

Wait, that's not the Crypt Keeper, that's Cert, the evil spirit of Retsyn, who will whip you if you don't know your prayers. Kind of a weird sado-masochistic Christmas tradition they have going on in Czechoslovakia there.

Mmm mmm - baked carp! Just the thing for Christmas dinner. Luckily to settle your stomach you can hop over to Nurenburg and get the biggest, tastiest gingerbread man you ever saw in your whole life.

The Germans were the first people to use Christmas trees! In fact they used them before there was even a Christmas, as part of their dark pagan rituals calling upon the powerful "elder gods" who stalk the dank Baltic forests, demanding worship and sacrifice that can only be fulfilled in the blood of the innocent! Happy Holidays!

Remember! In Italy, Santa Claus is a woman! Just leave your gender assumptions behind. It's Christmas!

In Denmark Santa is back to maleness, but as a wizened elf creature named Julenissen. Then we're over to Holland, where Santa is a lot more like the Santa we know and love, except his big day is Dec. 6th, St. Nicholas Day, which means their holiday shopping is over and done with while you're still panicking over what to get Uncle Bob.

Also apparently Santa sneaks into Holland by boat from Spain in what would have been, before the EU, definitely an illegal migration scenario.

In Holland you put hay in your shoe and everybody's REALLY BAD at choosing gifts. I mean they're terrible at it.

And now it's on to France where we meet Santa's longtime companion Father Spanker. Yes, "Father Spanker". He's got a list and maybe your name is on it, due for a spanking!

No switches for Pierre this year. Which is a shame as he's majoring in electrical engineering and he could really use some switches for the re-wiring project he's doing.

Grownups in France have their own Christmas celebrations in which they appoint a king and there's merrymaking the streets until dawn. One more children's holiday commandeered by the adults for their own sleazy, drunken, licentious purposes, just like Halloween. Get your own holidays, grownups!

Meanwhile in England the future of every child is determined by trinkets baked into Christmas puddings. That's right Fred, you're slated for Old Maidenhood and there's nothing you can do about it. Here's your shawl, now get Old Maidening!

And back in the real world the silent bodies of children lie in a heap, their lives tragically cut short by unsafe ladder use, and... oh wait, they're alive. Never mind.

Do Mexican children really smash pinatas? Who knows? Anything's possible in a dream, or on Christmas, or in a dream about Christmas, merry Christmas from worldwide transcontinental male/female Santa Claus, and from Mr Kitty too.