What do you want for dinner, kids? Hamburgers? Fried chicken? Pizza? Say, how come none of you yelled out "Salmon?" Why it's the king of sea foods! But don't take my word for it! Here, read this comic book!
It's the Silver Treasure Hunt, brought to you by Gold Seal Salmon and the Canadian Fishing Company Limited. So I'm not really sure where 'silver' comes into the equation. One thing's for sure, we'll be seeing some colorful cartoon characters menaced by handguns!
One fine day Freddy was packed off with his Uncle Sammy Gold Seal, who is some kind of freakish man-seal mutant. Will this trip inspire Freddy to incorporate salmon into his meal planning, or to ask his parents vital questions concerning their genetic heritage?
I know you were concerned as to whether or not this comic would be giving us handy tips on preparing salmon for meals. No fear on that account- if you want firm flakes and bright colors in your salads, "GOLD SEAL" is the salmon for you!
Let's meet the crew of this hearty fishing vessel. Why there's Wally Walrus and Pete Pelican and Percy Panda, because when you think of Pacific fishing and ocean life, you think "pandas". You don't? You do now.
Here Uncle Sammy reveals his management tactics, which include "just wandering around the ocean, because there's fish everywhere" and "starving the crew until they deliver the goods."
BTW, tell Mom to make some fish-cakes. MMM-mmm, fish-cakes.
Hey, the fish-smelling powers of our zoo crew have paid off! They've struck silver - the silver gleam of fish! And the silver gleam of money in Uncle Sammy's pocket, eventually! Work harder boys!
I know the idea of "a big purse of fish" sounds exciting, kids, but don't try this with Mom's purse. She won't appreciate it.
OH CRAP, it's Old Sneak Seagull, the one-legged, one-eyed bandit of the seas, hijacking fishing boats at gunpoint! Because he's obviously disabled and is forced into a life of crime merely to survive, let's be fair.
I'd like to point out that if we ever reach a point where seagulls are able to operate firearms, we are ALL in a world of trouble. No garbage truck will be safe.
FIRST the pirate seagull sings his song of love for Gold Seal Salmon. THEN it's time for the setting adrift and the bondage.
"Why that empty salmon can gives me an idea! Salmon for supper in an appetizing fish loaf!"
MMm-mmm! Just let those two words sit next to each other for a while. "Fish loaf." Getting hungry yet?
WRITER: So Freddy uses the sharp, jagged edge of the salmon can to free himself.
GOLD SEAL EXECUTIVE: Do we really want to remind everyone of the painful, infected cuts they've all suffered as a result of the jagged edges of opened tins of seafood? It's kind of counter-productive, isn't it?
WRITER: Okay, fine, why don't you invent a better way to put your salmon on the table? One that doesn't involve ripping open the tops of metal cans?
GOLD SEAL EXECUTIVE: .....
WRITER: So, Freddy uses the sharp, jagged edge of the salmon can to free himself.
Foiled by the falling net, One Eye curses his malformed hand-wings AND the failure of the other, non-sentient seagull to aid him in his piracy.
And our piratical seagull will now be murdered and his carcass thrown into the freezer. I think that's what's going to happen.
But now it's time for a big fish dinner! After a day on a fishing boat, stinking of fish, bobbing up and down in the hot sun, there's nothing I want more than a big plate of oily canned fish. Why, it's fit for a queasy, nauseous king!
And hey there actually is a welcoming committee and a medal ceremony and a brass band all celebrating the heroism of Freddy and the jagged edges of your typical can of salmon. Doesn't take much to draw a crowd in Vancouver, I guess. Put GOLD SEAL SALMON in your sandwiches kids and YOU TOO can be the center of Vancouverite attention!
At this point I'm sure you want to know more about salmon and how they're caught and packaged and shipped right to your door, and what part a weird, hat-wearing bow-tied flipper-man plays in all this. Well, you're in luck!
Hungry for salmon? Of course you are. Well, here's some recipies!
What's that? You want to just throw some salmon steaks on the grill, maybe a little marinade, cooked slowly over some mesquite? No. No sir! Salmon has to be chopped and canned and pureed and mixed with eggs and milk and Worchestershire sauce and cream of mushroom soup and whipped into a chunky mess and dripped in a glutinous mass over toast. THAT'S dinner.
So that's salmon, kids, and remember, you always turn up "trumps" when you serve GOLD SEAL Salmon. I'm assuming that's a good thing, turning up "trumps". Also remember when crewing your salmon boat with animals to NOT invite Mr Hillbilly Britches Bear here on the trip because he will shove all the salmon into his maw and then kill everybody savagely.
Also watch out for those jagged can lids! Enjoy!
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