This one's kind of famous in the 'stupid comics' world. Not only is it inane and overly complex in the best 60s DC Comics tradition, but it has a pop-culture angle that makes it irresistible for kitsch junkies and music fans alike. And we finally found a copy - not in great shape, but who cares - so we're going to give it a read through and see if it's as stupid as they say.
So, without further ado, allow us to present... "The Red-Headed Beatle Of 1000 B.C."
In the decades since the Beatles first took America by storm, mountains of worshipful prose concerning their musical genius and their pop-cultural impact have been written. But let's face it, in 1964 the Beatles were a fad, with a few records and tons of cheap cash-in merchandise that existed to suck nickels and dimes away from easily-duped youth. Sure, they turned out to be great, or in the case of Ringo, competent musicians and songwriters. But in 1964 it was just Beatle wigs and "Yeah-yeah-yeah" all the way down, and Jimmy Olsen was no exception, even three thousand years in the past!
Whereever he goes, Jimmy Olsen makes friends with muscular young men in tight, revealing clothing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But enough with the feats of strength, let's make with the Beatles!
Here we see Jimmy enjoying the Beatles to maximum effect, watching them on TV alone while gyrating stiffly, wearing his own personal custom-made red-headed Beatle wig. Yeah, you'd better hide that wig, Jimmy. There is actually a pretty good chance that Lucy Lane - and everyone else on the planet - will think the Beatle-wig fad is silly.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR TODAY'S YOUTH: do NOT go into the past in time-bubbles with strange men. Or wear Beatle wigs.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR TIME CRIMINALS FROM THE FUTURE: You stole the time-bubble and made it to 1964, so... just STAY IN 1964, stupid. It beats the hell out of 1000 B.C., that's for sure.
"Migosh!" Just want to say that a few times, that exclamation that wanders through 60s DC comics mystifying young and old alike. "Migosh". It is actually a corruption of 'Mi-gou', the Tibetan word for what we call "Yeti" or "Abominable Snowman" whom Jimmy met on a trip to Tibet with Professor Potter and Lana Lang's archeologist father when his brain was replaced with that of Congorilla under the influence of Red K. Or maybe it's just "My Gosh", which would be easier and more comprehensible to write, wouldn't it? But no. Making simple sense is not what these comics are about.
New in town and already Jimmy has a new, muscular friend and a new wardrobe and a place to stay, and now it's time for some employment.This is the darndest version of "Midnight Cowboy" I ever saw!
What's that? Jimmy only got paid five coppers for shearing all those sheep! What a rip off. He needs to raise some real money... to buy...uh, whatever it is you spend a lot of money on in 1000 B.C. Slaves and wine, I think.
"Who is this strange fellow who twists and twitches like a beetle on a hot stone?" Nice way to work that in there, writers. Real subtle.
PRESENTLY, THE MARKET-PLACE IS ROCKING... Best caption ever, I think.
But our evil time-criminal is also wandering around 1000 B.C. and gets Jimmy in trouble with Ben-Robba, who has a point, seriously, the whole reason you shear sheep is to collect the wool, Ben-Robba should be getting a cut of this sweet Beatle Wig action. It's only fair.
Mighty Youth will know that this particular ram's horn honk is that of his new friend Jimmy. He'll know it's Jimmy and he'll know it's Jimmy in trouble, not Jimmy calling sheep. I think what I'm getting from this plot point is that Mighty Youth is about as smart as a sheep, that's what I'm getting.
Ulp, now it's revealed that Mighty Youth is actually Samson, the strongman of the Bible! Will we see him rip a lion apart, or kill one thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass? Not in a Code-approved comic, kids!
"You're very pretty, Delilah, but I have no time to waste on romance!" So I guess we're not going to get to see Samson shacking up with a prostitute or killing thirty Philistines for their clothes to give to thirty groomsmen at his first (of three) marriages, because, again, Comics Code. It's in the Bible, though kids, check out the part where he sets fire to 300 foxes!
Apparently the future-guy Kasmir heard all this as well and is stealing some shears while Delilah looks the other way, or something. It's unclear. One thing is for sure, when you put Samson AND Beatle wigs in a story, some hair gonna get cut!
Hey Superman, you can go through time, why not show up BEFORE I get locked up in 1000 BC jail, or before I had to spend a day shearing sheep with iron-age shears? Maybe you just enjoy seeing Jimmy Olsen humiliated. I think that's it.
Here Superman destroys the entire city wall just so Jimmy Olsen can avoid spending another twenty minutes inside the dungeon. Thanks Superman, we might have needed those city walls the next time the Assyrians come a-knockin'. But whatever.
How lazy was DC Comics? I'll tell you how lazy, they'd ALREADY DONE A STORY where Superman met Samson. That's how lazy.
Sure I'll take you back to 1964 Jimmy. But first put on that Beatle wig and start beating that bongo drum. Faster. Faster!
Why Jimmy you seem to be as popular as that one Beatle our middle-aged writers knew the name of! Ran... Ron... what was his name again?
Of course we know that a primitive peasant like Samson would never come up with the idea of knocking down a temple if he hadn't already seen Superman do it. Our 1964 civilization is vastly superior. Now let's put on our own custom-made Beatle wigs and jerk around stiffly in front of the television, yeah yeah yeah!
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