Let me tell you, if there's one thing comics fans love more than vampires, it's SEXY LADY vampires! Right? Sexy lady vampires who lounge around in various seductive outfits, luxuriating in the endless glamour of being an undead blood drinker, delivering lengthy monologues on their eternal night-dwelling beauty! That's what comic fans love and that's what we're going to give 'em!

Wait, you don't think comic fans love this? Well, too bad.

Vampire Vixens, the story of three lady vampires and their amazing adventures in posing stiffly and wearing crazy headgear. I'm just going to put this out front here; this comic book does not contain any counting, or any chocolate-flavored breakfast cereal. I know, I know... you're asking "No counting? No chocolately cereal? Then what's the point of putting vampires in it to begin with?" I'm with you on this one, folks.

Let's meet our Vampire Vixens, shall we? Instinctively you turn away from "Jezebelle" before you are consumed by her eerie attraction and her eerie resemblance to that Nagel print on the wall of the guy you went to college with who later became a stockbroker and did time for insider trading.

I bet you didn't know Marilyn Monroe was a vampire! Explains a great many things, doesn't it? Like if she and JFK had an affair, that means JFK was also an undead vampire, which is why Oswald's three shots were magic garlic bullets and why Kennedy's vampire brain went missing from Parkland to power the vampire super computer in the Trilateral Commission's space mind control ray satellite! It all makes sense!

This reminds me, backless dragon chairs are on sale this week at Home Depot. Just the thing if sexy vampires drop in and need somewhere to sit while their exotic beauty both draws us in and repels us, like a magnet whose polarity is constantly being reversed, or like a metaphor being tortured mercilessly.

So if you are guided by the lighthouse of her eyes and you throw the anchor of your soul overboard thinking you're in a safe harbor, you will also be throwing overboard your mortality, which will NOT secure your vessel. Please check Coast Guard guidelines.

Vampires, being immortal, have had countless centuries to perfect their skill at the game of seduction. This explains Vampire Seductress's crazy outfit; she knows comedy is the perfect seduction tool. The guy seems more embarassed than seduced, however. Hey, whatever works!

"She has finally gotten where she wanted though such destination was no great challenge." Seduction; not a challenge. Grammar, on the other hand, is even beyond the reach of the immortals, apparently.

Here's where the eternal boredom and ennui of the vampiric ladies starts to really get on the nerves of any reader still plowing through this turgid mess of a narrative - if it's boring for the vampires, how boring do you think it is for the readers, who might be expecting some thrills and excitement from their sexy vampire comic book? Foolish readers. Your childish desires are merely a flippity flop for the dleelzy-doop of our vampi... god, even making fun of this pompous nonsense is boring. I hate this stuff SO MUCH. At least with the Wolfman he's leaping around, howling, breaking doors down, ripping out throats. At least the Frankenstein monster is lurching around tragically, throwing little girls in ponds. The Mummy always has some lurid Egyptian flashbacks full of torture and guys in crazy eye makeup. But vampires? Fops lounging around in evening wear yawning about how bored they are until Peter Cushing pokes a stick through their chests and puts us all out of our misery. Vampires are dull and this vampire comic is the dullest of them all.

Oh great, now we get these three vampire ladies telling us the secrets of immortality. Step one: avoid dying.

Looks like Smirky McHairpants is about to get some post-coital vampire bite action. Will this turn him into an eternal George Hamilton, decked out in a smoking jacket, raising his eyebrows eternally at the foolishness of the mortal world? Or will this just kill him outright? Vampire stories are always kind of vague on this point.

Miss Vampire Fashion Miss Of 1992 takes us on a Vogue magazine cover shoot through a glamorous war zone. Boots are by Chess King, sheath dress by What The Hell.

"He will leave now like an addict once given a potent euphoria... a magic pill of which only one exists... forever searching for its "extasy" and never to find it again." You, on the other hand, will leave this comic book in the five-for-a-dollar bin in which you found it, like someone handed a bad comic, a bad comic of which there are thousands, forever filling the bins of retailers everywhere. "Extasy" however... that I can't help you with.

Pity the man who falls in love with her!

Yes. I do, actually. Also recieving my pity: those who paid $2.75 for this comic book, whoever had to typeset the reams of purple prose on every page, and the guys down at the printing plant who had to run the stitcher putting this nonsense together, because they probably dealt with some rather severe headaches from rolling their eyes at the pages and pages of "sexy" vampire lady pinups.

Jezebelle will fade away from the grasp of reality! That's good to know because Jezebelle was getting too real there for a minute. I dunno if we could handle that kind of realness.

And finally on the last page we get somebody who's been bitten by a vampire. It took this comic book 32 pages of overwritten cliche'd nonsense to get to the bare minimum, the absolute least amount of vampire anything. 32 pages of rattling on about their eternal beauty wandering through the mists of time and "extasy" as symphonies of enchantment sparkle in the eyes of the debonair and minds are ravaged by the sensations of great culminations and annoyed patrons ask for their $2.75 back. "No refunds", says the sexy vampire retailer, laughing softly behind his sun-bleached Wolverine posters, towering piles of unsold "Pogs" and promotional card games, turning the sign to "closed" and retiring to his vampiric lair for Cheetos and binge-watching Star Trek Deep Space Nine.

THE END. Get it? Stay classy, Vampire Vixens! And hey, if you enjoyed Vampire Vixens and want more sexy vampire ladies in your life, why not try Vampire Swimsuit Illustrated?

It's like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, only for people who hate sports, swimwear, the physical activity of swimming, and humanity in general! Every issue comes with a prescription to Prozac and a long heart-to-heart talk with a parent, teacher, or clergyman. On sale soon with a red foil stamped cover for extra embarrassment when your significant other finds it under your bed five years later.