Longtime readers of the "Stupid Comics" feature know that we spend a lot of time poking fun of terrible 90s vampire comics, and we also spend a lot of time poking fun at terrible 80s and 90s fake-manga comics. And I'm sure you're thinking, as we're thinking, there's got to be a better way! If only some publisher out there had thought to COMBINE their terrible sexy-lady vampire comics with their sloppy, inept, faintly contemptuous fake manga comics - then we could get through our busy day of humiliating them here that much faster, and go on about our lives. But that's only a beautiful dream. Surely such a thing could never exist.

Or could it?

WHAM! Here you go kids, the mathematical point on the Venn diagram where shitty bad-girl comics and sloppy fake manga meet! All the things you love to hate about late-period American independent comics, all in one overpriced 32 page package, saving us all time and effort. In fact, I think I'll just set this one on fire right now. Who's got a match?

Nobody's got a match? Okay, fine, we might as well actually go through this one. How bad can it be?

Ahh, the best part of independent comics, the little text piece from the proud author, detailing the really authentic moment, filled with artistic integrity, when his publisher called him up and said "I think we're gonna do a manga book." Because if there's one thing Angel Entertainment - publisher of big-boobed underwear vampire lady comics and sexy breast angel comics and seductive, all-girl X-Files ripoff comics - if there's one thing this publisher realizes, it's that there's a lack of "fun all-ages comics" in today's market. Angel Entertainment isn't actually going to do anything about this state of affairs, mind you, they just wanted to point that out. And now, after five or ten minutes of work, here it is, Vampire Girls Fake Anime Manga Thing, that's $3 please.

Okay! Here we go! You know who the Vampire Girls are, right? They're vampires, and they're girls! Okay, we're clear on that! Apparently - and this is where the actual writing of this comic book completely fails the audience - apparently the Vampire Girls are not ordinarily drawn in a terrible ripoff manga style, usually they're drawn in a terrible fake "bad girl" style. But now they're terrible ripoff manga vampire girls, posing stiffly in a Tokyo drawn without reference material, tiny skirts flowing in the breeze because that's what happens in all manga everywhere, ready for adventure!

Only one page in and it's time for a two-page spread full of ninjas, horses, the tantalizing glimpse of a badly-drawn crotch, and the assurance from the credits box that the readers are enjoying this, which strikes me as wishful thinking at its most desperately wishful.

Not even the writer's own characters believe the words that the writer is making come out of their mouths. Is this some kind of Stan Lee thing where they just make up dialogue at random and fit it in wherever? Is describing whatever's going here as "writing" being too generous? I think it is!

PROFESSIONAL MANGA CREATORS TIP: Why waste money on rulers? Just give your kid brother a marker and have him scribble on the page. Turn the page every once in awhile. Like magic - vanishing-point speed lines! PROFESSIONAL MANGA WRITERS TIP: Just make shit up. If it fits in the word balloon, it's all good!

That's right. Frank Miller invented "inking".

But first an amazing hand to hand ninja fight involving the amazing demonstration of the artist's inability to master "how legs work".

Uh oh, the ninjas captured the vampire girls- which makes all their screaming about killing the vampire girls seem rather like the writer of this comic wasn't paying any attention whatsoever to the words he was writing, which further highlights the contempt, for its readers and humanity in general, oozing from every panel of this so-called "comic book".

Meet the evil villain, whose plan is to mix vampire blood with bubble gum and sell it to teenagers who will become addicted and then he'll rule the world. Only slightly more evil than mixing vampires with anime girls and selling non-returnable comics to comic shop owners, already operating on a razor-thin profit margin, thereby helping to destroy America's independent retailers.

Here the comic makes the typical mistake of thinking that garlic puts vampires to sleep. It also makes the typical Crazy Flea Market Grandma mistake of thinking that Transformers are some kind of Japanese thing, instead of being, like this comic book, an inferior American imitation.

Boy, if only there were more fun all-ages comics in today's comic book market. Oh well. Now, here's some naked girls.

The evil scientist takes some of their blood and then releases them back onto the streets of Tokyo, where the vampire girls actually engage in vampire type blood drinking, which discreetly takes place off camera, because if there's one thing the readers of "Vampire Girls" don't want to see, it's scenes of vampires drinking blood. Ewwwwwww!

And down the street the evil scientist - no, he doesn't have a name, this comic book can't be bothered with even the most basic elements of storytelling - the evil scientist is riding in a semi truck with his robot assistant who is a ripoff of a toy robot that transforms into a semi truck. It's almost like all the artist had for reference was an empty Transformers toy box left lying around the dumpster he lives in along with everybody else connected with this comic book who live in richly-deserved squalor, suffering from any number of contagious, really painful diseases, longing for the release that only death can bring, anything to wipe away the shame of being involved in any way with "Vampire Girls".

Wow, writing this comic book is hard! Let's see. Attacked by ninjas, captured by evil scientist, robot truck... well, the writer is obviously out of ideas and is forced to fall back on the old "breaking the fourth wall" thing where the characters realize they're actually in a comic book and can do whatever they want. YOU, on the other hand, are not trapped anywhere and can set fire to this comic book as soon as you find a match or a Zippo lighter. I know I had a matchbook around here somewhere.

Hey! They went into the science fiction dimension and got tight fitting super hero outfits, and now, after a mere seventeen pages of barely-there story, we're left with a "to be continued". So what's in the rest of this comic book?

Well, let's see. There's an ad for the next issue of "Vampire Girls Bubblegum And Blood". And then there are some pin-ups. And sometimes the pin-ups are just re-using illustrations from the ads! I know recycling is good for the environment and all, but this isn't what they're talking about.

I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking that the end of civilization cannot happen fast enough. But what you're ALSO thinking is, "Now that I've suffered traumatic brain injury, how can I get more of these terrific Angel Entertainment comics?"

WHY DO YOU WANT TO ORDER DIRECT? Because you can get different versions of all their comics with varying degrees of NAKED! You can get REGULAR, or KINDA NAKED, or FULL ON GYNECOLOGY NAKED covers! Why, you can get TOTALLY NAKED versions of both issues of this comic for only $20! Because you're a grown adult man who, as we stated before, has likely suffered some sort of debilitating mental derangement and is no longer able to make responsible decisions. And that's why you should buy these terrible, terrible comics direct from the publisher at a horrifying markup - and ALSO you should support your local comic book store, because asking people to shop local -IN AN ADVERTISEMENT TELLING THEM TO DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE- isn't brain damaged at all.

In conclusion, let me just say...

Where. Is. My. Zippo. Lighter.