Hey romance lovers! If you're a lover, we have just the comic book for you!

And if you AREN'T a lover, then just move on down the rack, pal, because this comic is for lovers only! Only lovers get to enjoy these stories of love-starved young people and/or the free Danny Bonaduce poster - so get lovin'!

Giant ties, weird hair, and a moonlit kiss tell us we're deep in the heart of 1970s comic book romance territory as these two goons squash their faces into each other. Gently. Robert is so gentle. Maybe too gentle.

Why, Robert is so considerate, he even realizes that their appearance indoors is the only thing keeping Carol's parents from debilitating heroin addiction. Unless there's some other meaning for "strung out."

Uh oh Carol thinks Robert is TOO nice. Looks like somebody's on a one way trip to the Friend Zone where he'll transmogrify into a Nice Guy and spend the rest of his time whining on computer bulletin boards about how women don't like him! On the other hand, Carol's dad likes him and plans to learn all of Bob's secrets of ingratiating himself with the ladies. Look out world Carol's Dad is here!

The next day it's time for their country club swimming date and Carol's new modest two-piece is a big hit with the guys, who, judging by the middle panel, are surprised to learn that Carol's pregnancy is now in what appears to be its third or fourth month. Time flies, don't it?

Shep and Robert meet and immediately it's time for dumb-ass alpha male posturing which, if I know my comic books, will end with Robert gambling a stamp, kicking a chair, utilizing Dynamic Tension, and becoming a rampaging steroid-abusing monster.

Uh, Carol, Shep is not moving in on Bob. Shep is moving in on YOU. Bob is safely out of the pool, unaware that you are considering yourself some sort of prize in the one-sided man-domination struggle.

"How far will Bob let him go?" Gosh if only there was somebody else in this situation who was looking out for Carol's interests. Like, say, Carol.

Bob's smiling, dry, can't-miss logic - either you're my girlfriend, in which I case I don't have to worry, or you're NOT my girlfriend, in which case I ALSO do not have to worry - is absolutely unbeatable, which COMPLETELY INFURIATES Carol, who demands he get as pissed off at her inactivity as she is, and it also gives Asshole -I mean, Shep - the opening to assail Rob's manhood yet again. I wonder if Shep just spends his days wandering from pool to pool looking for somebody "man enough" to give him "satisfaction".

Carol's choices in life have been narrowed down to (1) the asshole or (2) the guy that doesn't give a crap what the asshole thinks. But look, Asshole is calling Rob back, telling him to wait a minute. Maybe this has all been some weird, oblique strategy Shep learned from those "PUA" websites about "negging".

Nope, Shep just wanted to pound some self-respect into that guy who dared to not give a shit. How DARE Bob dismiss every one of Shep's attempts to challenge his manhood? It's almost as if Robert is acting like a grown adult or something!

"I'll help you Robert!" Maybe it's time to haul out that taser or the bear spray, Carol. Give Shep a dose right in the eyes and watch him cry like a baby. Who's the rabbit NOW, Shep?

"Help" from Carol means "stand around and watch as Robert clocks Shep right in the cheekbone." Somebody who owned this comic book previously really wanted longer, stronger nails and clipped out the coupon on the opposite side of the page, which explains the ugly blank space here. Maybe we can fix that with a little Mister Kitty magic...

DING! Isn't that better? I think that's better. Perhaps I have a lucrative career in comic books waiting for me at Charlton!

The two men punch each other into senselessness while Carol watches, smiling, strangely excited to finally see two big strong men fighting over little old her, which is what she wanted all along.

And then there's spanking! Wow, this comic book really has it all! "All" meaning "repulsive ideas about relationships!"

WOW. She doesn't leave in a shocked huff after being assaulted, HE doesn't drop her like a bad transmission after she impugns his manhood and engineers a love-proving fistfight. It's all kisses and love and these two will have a perfect relationship from now on! And I totally believe that!

What a story. Well that's all from us for this time. Join us again for... wait, what's that? We're forgetting something? Oh yeah, right, we promised you Danny Bonaduce and by golly, we're going to deliver!

Laughingly yours because you wasted 20 cents on this comic, Danny Bonaduce's agent. Later!