Have you ever wondered where peas come from? Sure you have. But have you ever wondered where Aylmer's Canadian Peas come from, and whether or not there was ever a promotional comic book detailing the entire Canadian pea process, from seed to full pea ripeness, from the can to your dinner table? Sure you have. Well, those long sleepless nights of wondering will trouble you no more, because here's some anti-psychotic medication.
No, seriously, here's a comic book all about peas. Any meds you require are your own problem.
Those of you who were really waiting for lot of vegetable-related puns are in luck today! Which is good because those of you really waiting for vegetable related puns can probably use all the luck you can get.
The scene is a lush Canadian farm where fruits and vegetables are grown in abundance during the busy growing season, which moves by pretty quickly up North. Whoops, there it went. Nope, you missed it.
Anyway, it's time now to get ready for the amazing adventures of "E.S. Pea", the pea of action, whose thrill-packed career of excitement consists of (a) sprouting, (b) getting picked and canned, and (c) being sullenly eaten by a scowling Canadian pre-teen. Thrills!
Exactly what makes this particular pea so intelligent and possessed of such un-pea-like wisdom is unknown, since Aylmer's agricultural scientists are pretty darn sure he's genetically identical to the three other peas he's lecturing to, hence the phrase "just like two peas in a pod being lectured to by another pea."
Did you know that peas have Jungian-style race memories and can remember not only their pea ancestors who had little mustaches but also the men who boiled those peas alive in little jars until their little pea screams shook the Paris night with terror? Didja?
Yes, William Underwood did establish the first processed food plant in Boston in 1819. You may know the Underwood company for its famous preserved ham product, manufactured under strict supervision by the DEVIL HIMSELF!!!
Records of Canada's canning industry are obscurely shrouded in the mists of secrecy... was the first cannery near Picton? We'll never know. However, the first canning plant to survive what was obviously a hostile canning environment was one in Grimsby, packing that delicious fruit for which the Niagara area is famous. Also they tell me there's some kind of waterfall around there, but I'm sure it's nowhere near as famous as the fruit.
Even peas get excited about their final resting place, sealed in an airtight metal container! Wouldn't you be? Especially if it was an airtight metal container produced by the Aylmer company, which started in 1881! Or maybe 1882. The early canning industry wasn't overly concerned with things like "records" or "calendars" or "what year it is". There's canning to be done!
I can believe talking peas expounding upon their race-memory ancestors and looking forward to being stuffed into cans. What I CAN'T believe is the scenario of actual human beings looking up from their plate of peas and saying "boy these are great! Where can I get some more of these particular peas?" Never happened. Never WILL happen. They're just peas and their main job is to add contrast to the mashed potatoes. End of story.
Or is it? Can we read the history of a mighty nation in its pea-processing plants? Surely there's a handy map!
Yup, that's Canada right there; according to this map, just a whole lot of empty space with a few Aylmer canneries scattered here and there. Now surely there MUST be other points of interest in a dominion as vast as Canada! Well, we've prepared a new map for you, reflecting Canada's true values and important historical sites.
We hope this clears up any confusion and that you'll visit one of Canada's attractions this summer, perhaps during the growing season. Don't blink or you'll miss it. Bring some insect repellent.
Sure, vegetables flirt with each other. Why wouldn't they?
Those peas can hardly wait to be canned. Remember that for peas, getting canned is hard work! As opposed to people, who get "canned" if they DON'T work hard! That's a little job-related humor there. I'm sorry.
"I shall gaze into my pumpkin and tell you the future! First, the artist will trace a diagram out of a farm equipment instruction manual!"
"Then peas will babble endlessly about how superior they are to the thousands of completely identical peas surrounding them!"
Being vegetables, peas will naturally need to be boiled at high heat to remove any nutritional value. Then salt and sugar are added to make the resultant disgusting mush slightly edible.
And then the blanched, salted peas are canned, boxed, shipped to a distribution center, shipped to another distribution center, delivered to the grocery store, shelved by a disgruntled stockboy, and purchased by a housewife and her really weird-looking toddler, what is going on with that kid, he's really weird looking.
FINALLY these peas will be enjoyed by a happy Canadian family! Dad's happy! Sis is happy! Junior is happy! Mom is - Mom is looking kind of weird! Maybe Mom had one too many Valiums before dinner!
And that, my friends, is what's known as the Aylmer Taste Of Canada. If you ever want to know what Canada tastes like, it's not poutine or a Tim's double-double or a drunken slice of Pizza Pizza at 3:00am after staggering out of a Tragically Hip show at Lee's Palace. It's peas. See you soon folks!
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