What's that, it's Christmastime again? So soon? Why it seems like we just got done with the holiday season. Well, to help get you back in the Xmas spirit, here's the Archie gang here to tell us all about the True Meaning Of Christmas!
And by "the true meaning of Christmas" what Reggie means is kissing girls without invitation, and then being physically assaulted. Hilarious Christmas hijinks enjoyed the world around, no doubt! But is this representative of the full Xmas experience?
We can add 'punishing weather conditions' to the list of holiday presents, of course! And of course nothing could get Archie out of the Andrews house on such a cold blizzardy night. Nothing. Ring.
Uh oh, Veronica calls and it's WHOOSH
A grueling Christmas death march through sub zero temperatures and knee-deep snowdrifts can't stop Archie from doing every little thing that Ronnie demands! Because it's Christmas!
And he's turned right around back out into the snow without so much as a cup of hot chocolate, to trudge back home barely alive, only to be summoned again to duty. Because it is Christmas, the time of being a sucker. I mean 'giving'.
The wind is even stronger. The drifts are armpit-deep now. Archie, barely alive, is frozen stiff on the Lodge doorstep, a rictus-like grin on his lifeless face like Jack Nicholson in the end of "The Shining", a wonderful Christmas picture for the whole family.
The next morning Archie's frozen corpse is discovered, shocking the... no, wait he's alive! It's a Christmas miracle! And just look at that present Veronica got him! Wrapped with all the stuff Archie nearly froze to death delivering!
And as the spectre of a brutal Christmas strangling dances merrily in our heads, let's keep the Christmas spirit which is, of course, looming murder, assault, and rampant kissing. It's in the Bible, people!
So from everybody at Archie Comics circa 1962, and us, have a merry Christmas and a happy 2016 and remember, when it's all said and done, Christmas is really about the giant bearded man who controls our every action and makes us fight for his amusement. Ho ho ho!
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