If there's one thing the world definitely didn't care for, it was roller-skating super heroes. Whether it's Skate-Man or the Disco Dazzler or the guy with the rocket powered skateboard who fought Spider-Man, these characters were shoved in the public's face relentlessly, but the public yawned, coughed politely, and asked if they wouldn't mind getting that stupid comic book out of their face please. But willing indifference and growing hostility are no match for the fever of roller-skating aficionados to cram their smelly polyurethane wheels down the throats of every super-hero fan possible, and here's one more to add to the pile of failure. Get a match, somebody!
Yes, it's the Rollercoasters, whose super powers are rolling, coasting, and consisting entirely of painstakingly inked Neal Adams swipes. Look out evil!
You know it's going to be a Very Serious Comic when they do the thing where the super hero is looking pained in the dark and there's a spotlight on a tragic doomed figure, and then it's all ruined by the mullet and the roller skates.
It's very important to know exactly what time our exciting roller-skating super hero adventure starts! Right down to the minute! Also important to just whip right out there in front of oncoming cars because safety is not your concern when you're a roller-skating super hero.
But wait, before adventure, the flashback of How We Got Our Powers! Which apparently were given to them by an outer space man who hooked them up to some sort of bondage restraint that allowed mighty forces to emanate from the groin region.
What's that, you missed buying "L.I.F.E. Brigade" #2? Why I never. For shame.
Crazy hairstyle alien - seriously, either go with "hippie" or "punk", don't mix 'em - crazy hairstyle alien picked these roller-skating goofballs and handed them tremendous levels of unspecified super powers without checking to see if some of them weren't rage-filled douchebags first. Kind of how America picks its global strategic allies, am I right?
I feel better already, knowing this weird muscle space alien is watching me always, while I work, sleep, or shower.
"I will also need some clothes at some point."
Here's the part where the annoying guy referred to earlier in the narrative shows the reader how annoying he is. And now that we've got that particular plot point established, let's move on.
"Yep, we're going to be exactly like Superman and Wonder Woman, except we won't ever do anything, and no one will ever know who we are."
This is reality, not fantasy, says the muscle man in the skintight outfit to the shirtless guy in gym shorts and the muscle guy with the little mustache. This is SOMEBODY'S fantasy, of that we can be certain!
But let's get back to our super hero naming sequence where we establish our super hero secret identities!
And our heroes basically just use the same names they use every day. Because code name secret identities or something, super heroes have to have super hero names for some reason, okay? Back off!
So when we're in our secret super identities we'll be known as the Roller Force and when we're just roller skating for fun we'll be the Roller Coasters! Now let's get out there and do some super heroing! Like causing massive amounts of useless property damage!
But destroying windows is easily repaired and soon our hero is back home in the suburbs where he lives with his family when he's not working his shitty telemarketing job. Hey, write what you know, they said!
THRILL to the exciting super hero action of ENTERING A BEDROOM and WATCHING THE LATE LATE NEWS! Remember we're halfway through this comic book and so far all the super-heroing we've seen has been some broken windows.
Sure, every red-blooded American man sleeps in Speedos. Why wouldn't they? And sure they walk their teenage sisters to school. Nothing teenage sisters like more than hanging out with their siblings, who aren't annoying or "grody" (it's the 80s) in any way.
Lots of things happening in this three panel sequence; there's the weird statutory rape joke, the awkward placement that requires you to read left-to-right and then right-to-left, and whatever "You're to the curb!" means. Also, now you have McFadden & Whitehead's "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
Good god! That dizzy cow is running towards the speeding car! Also, that's what the girl is doing, too!" Looks like this is a great time for SpeedWhatever of the Roller Whosits to use his amazing super powers and save a life, right?
Nope, he just stands there like a dope while the driver swerves and Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now girl falls to the pavement. That's some good super-heroin' there boy.
You want to know what made her tripped? You also want to know how someone can be made to tripped? It's this goddamned shit that can be making someone to have been tripped! That's what!
Vital tripped-out evidence is given to us by Jerry, who is fresh.
OH MY GOD YOU'RE A GIRL! EW COOTIES!
The drug-dealing girl is quickly taken to police headquarters where our underage suspect is interrogated without benefit of parent, guardian, or lawyer, and where she's indirectly threatened with becoming the idol of an entire wing of the women's prison. I think law enforcement here is playing the old "bad cop - bad cop" game.
This harsh narrative of the seductive lure of big-time drug dealing is brought to you by McGruff The Crime Dog, Mr. T, and Nancy Reagan, who invite you to "Just Say No", a campaign that worked so wonderfully that narcotics addiction vanished completely and now no one anywhere uses illegal drugs.
Somebody showed up and flim-flammed the suspect right out from under the noses of these stupid cops, thereby doing them a favor, because there's no way detaining a juvenile like that was in any way admissable in a court of law. Not that we need to be overly picky about legal niceities here in our exciting super hero comic filled with roller-skating super hero adventure which should be starting any minute now! We promise!
See this kids? If you deal drugs you get to ride around in bad-ass sportscars and your supplier always takes care of you! Drug dealing is the best! Deal some drugs today!
Meanwhile let's check in with our roller skating super heroes who are undoubtedly using their amazing powers to stop bank robbers or rescue cats from trees or otherwise help society.
Nope, they're just hollering homophobic slurs at each other. Remember with great power comes great responsibility - to swear!
Giant woman wanted to go on the Tonight Show, and Speedhawk, whom you will remember is the hero of our story, went total apeshit, and then phoned up the casting director of the Tonight Show and made a really weird comment about animal acts and novelty rap group "The Fat Boys", who later went on to star in Run DMC's film "Krush Groove" and their own feature "The Disorderlies" - and they have Speedhawk of the Rollercoasters to thank for their success!
And for no reason at all, the other super hero woman, whose name I do not recall, kicks the annoying super hero guy, whose name I also do not recall, and there's a lot of damage and breaking. Because these are super heroes defending truth and justice with their mighty powers, remember, when they aren't acting like six year olds.
"The nerve of that sex-crazed cow, wanting to appear on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon! Why isn't she sublimating her sexual desires by constructing gigantic high-tech barbells, like me?"
Keep in mind, people - this is what these super heroes are doing, they aren't stopping murderers, they aren't rescuing people from burning buildings or floods or earthquakes, they aren't tracking down child abusers or corrupt government officials or battling monsters or aliens. They're bitching and weight-lifting. Super heroes, everybody!
Oh no, wait, let me rephrase that, they're bitching, and weight-lifting, and mindlessly breaking things. Super heroes. God bless 'em.
So that's how you're going to be, Rollercoasters? You're going to spend the entire comic book farting around and then in the VERY LAST PANEL you're going to promise us fighting? Fighting every single elected official in the United States of America, no less? You wasted thirty pages with window breaking and not waking the folks and the Tonight Show, and you just walk off with a 'to be continued'? Well, Rollercoasters, you can take your roller skates and your mullets and your weirdly proportioned, over-inked figures and you can just cram them right back into your roller disco, which by the way, closed in 1982, you losers.
And no, there was never another issue of "Rollercoasters." Let this be a lesson for all who seek to shove the adventures of roller skate themed super heroes in our faces - we don't care about roller-skating super heroes, and there's nothing you can do that will ever make us care about roller-skating super heroes. Unless we were had been to be tripped, of course. There's always having been tripped.
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