Tonight we showcase a man... er, boy... er, man... er, man-child... who is not only a pal to Superman, but a friend to websites about stupid comics all across the internet. That man... er, man-child... is, of course, Jimmy Olsen. Now Jimmy, as some of you may be aware, was once in a mostly-unrequited relationship with Lois Lane's stewardess sister Lucy Lane. And guess what? Most of the stories focusing on their relationship are really very stupid. Including this one, which doesn't feature Supes at all, not one whit.
Well, okay, I lied. Superman DOES appear in the splash page.
Yes, you read that right. Jimmy Olsen, a freckle-faced cub reporter, has a fan club. Of course, as you'll see, his fan club consists mainly of creeps. Super-creeps, even!
Dude, if she's not impressed with the fact that you have a fan club, what makes you think jumping over a cliff would impress her?
Of course his attempt fails, however he does find, buried in loosely-packed snow, a creamy surprise....
...A VIKING PRINCESS!! And of course, we get the stupid DC expository captions alongside a lesson in ancient Norse nomenclature (there was only one person in history named Leif, and it was Leif Ericsson, and incidentally he wore a bright yellow body suit).
Oh, oh! It turns out that isn't a Viking babe at all! Just a trick played by Jimmy's ever-helpful, creepy, creepy fan club. You don't wanna know what else they watch with that monitor-screen-thingy. (I'll give you a hint. It starts with the "treat Jimmy affectionately" button.)
After Holga the Robot impresses everyone with her Viking Ski-Jumping talents, it seems the creepy, creepy fan club's scheme is working, in that Lucy (apparently the most easily-influenced person on Earth) suddenly decides that if someone else likes Jimmy, maybe he's not such a pasty-faced jerk after all.
As you can see, the early 60s were a very dull time in which a girl who made one sort-of-impressive ski jump could get invited to the White House, where a Jackie Kennedy impersonator would give them a ship-in-a-bottle-minus-the-bottle. It's not as if there was like, a cold war, or Bay of Pigs invasion, or anything like that, back then. Veeerrrrry dull time for the U.S. of A.
Just keep telling yourself that's a sandwich she's shoving in Jimmy's mouth. Keep telling yourself that, and maybe one day you'll believe it.
He doesn't seem to be enjoying it, whatever it is.
As with all good things, this ruse comes to an end as Lucy gets into the creepy, creepy clubhouse when no one's around. She's understandably disgusted to find Jimmy's been boffing a robot all this time. Also, she's probably kind of grossed-out with the silly hat and yellow longjohns.
Okay, I'm no robotic engineer, but it seems to me that if the creepy, creepy fan club wanted to use this robot to make Lucy jealous, equipping it with THIS function may have been a mistake. You know?
HEYHEYHEY lady, that was a "treat Jimmy coldly" button Lucy pressed, not a "be a litterbug" button! Also, what the fuck is the deal with Jimmy's arm? What is that, tiger stripes?
Awwwww. See, fellas? Some women ARE won over by patheticness. Er, pathos.
Oh sure, she says she wouldn't hurt his pride that way NOW. After a few years of seeing that pasty, freckled mug first thing every morning, she'll be singing a different tune. "Say, honey, can you pass the salt?" "Sure, here's some salt, Robot Fucker."
Meanwhile, the creepy, creepy fan club is creepier than ever. WHY DID YOU CUT HER TORSO IN HALF, CREEPY FAN CLUB???
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