As a medium of self-expression, comic books are lighter than sculpture, easier to carry around than reels of 35mm movie film, and don't require nearly as much cocaine as your typical Eagles album. In fact the only requirements are story, art, and some paper, and some ink to put it all down on that paper. And maybe some staples, if you're feeling fancy. One thing you don't actually HAVE to do is make a whole lot of sense. Sure, you might confuse readers and decades later be made fun of on a website, but those are the risks all great and not-so-great art must take.
Speaking of artistic self-expression and slight confusion, here's today's Stupid Comic, which stars Sexy Native Lady, Sexy Micronaut, and an elk. Anne Elk, maybe. Maybe the elk is sexy. I don't know. Hopefully this isn't that kind of a comic.
Well, this is issue four of our saga, so we're way behind! Let's get right into it!
OUR STORY SO FAR: Wayward spirit, reanimated fox carcass, shaman, adventures in Mushroomland, magic sword, here's our guests and where to buy their comics, here's where you can buy back issues of this comic, here's some extra reading you can do. Already I feel intimidated and under a lot of pressure, and we're not even to page one!
By the way, in case you were wondering who owned the copyright for Adam, Eve, and God, well, they're owned by the guy who sang "Monkey Vs Robot". But anyway, let's get started.
Well, here at page one, we already know for sure that we're in for some crosshatching. My wrist sympathetically hurts already.
FINALLY a comic where a heart with a peace sign in it talks to a shaman's elk familiar while floating in a sea of ink lines! FINALLY! Take THAT, coherence!
So Peace Sign Heart here, the creator, has a crush on a girl and needs a shaman's elk familiar to pass her a note. I guess the Peace Sign Heart Creator works in mysterious ways.
And in case you didn't quite get the hint that Peace Sign Heart Creator is actually the creator of this very comic book, well, Peace Sign Heart Creator is going to take that subtext and make it text.
Now here's the part where I regret that this feature is called "Stupid Comics" because this is actually some terrific landscape work here, the crosshatching and the tones and the solids all fit together really well as we see a shaman give a sword to a recently dead but not alive fox. Zombie fox with a sword. Dunno if that's a great idea.
Usually whenever I'm anywhere near a conversation that includes the phrase "Tell me again of that sweat lodge vision of your past life," I leave quickly, because patchouli oil gives me migranes and you just KNOW there's gonna be patchouli oil stinking up the place any time you hear the words "sweat lodge vision" or "past life".
And as Shaman sucks it in - those are some great abs, and shamaning doesn't involve lots of crunches and sit-ups, as I recall - our elk buddy returns from visiting His Creator. How will he impart this mystical vision to his comrades?
Oh, a nine-panel grid. Swell. Didn't we cover this already?
Open your mind, my friend, is this any more "far out" than the "wondrous adventures" that you have "experienced" while "really, really high?" I didn't think so!
But wait - I smell intruders! I smell a human, and Anne Elk, and a cyborg! You want to know what a cyborg smells like? Well, uh, you'll know it when you smell it, that's all I can say!
All right! Sexy Micronaut - right down to the Phillips-head screw holding her torso together - and Sexy Native Lady are in the house! Or meadow, whatever!
"Fur Face?" Dude, that's not your face. You're wearing a helmet. When I'm wearing my Iggy And The Stooges shirt nobody calls me "Stooge Shirt", now do they?
When we talk about a global culture of different ideologies and worldviews coming together, I'm not sure what we meant was a Japanese toy-based robot lady and a Native American warrior invoking a Greek goddess to justify their bloodlust. But this is comic books! Comic books can do anything!
Sounds to me like Peace Sign Heart Creator, or maybe the guy writing and drawing this comic book, or maybe both, has a GIRLFRIEND. Ew, cooties!
Look guys can't women be BOTH temptation AND wonderful? Well, let me tell you a story...
It's a story about a guy who took a community college course in comparative mythology, and he heard the story of Susanoo, and then he remembered that when he was a kid he saw the Toei film "Little Prince and The Eight-Headed Dragon", which is the Shinto Susanoo-Amaterasu myth rendered in great colorful mid-1960s animation with flat UPA-style characters, which is way more about defeating the eight-headed dragon and less about the incest and the pony-killing. That's the story. He got a "B" in the class and credits didn't transfer. The end.
Hey Fur Face, I might suggest that if you took that stupid helmet off you might be able to spot the gleaming metal cyborg lady when she comes to literally kick your ass. That's my suggestion.
And so our heroes were all captured by Sexy Native Lady and Sexy Micronaut and hung up to dry like sides of beef, and apparently nobody's skull was smashed by Sexy Native Lady's stone axe. Why go through all the trouble of making a stone axe if you aren't going to use it?
Wow. So; Peace Sign Heart guy got asked "where are the girls in your comic book," and in response he wrote an entire issue just to put girls in his comic book? Now that's what I call service!
Dear Everwinds, I would like to see Godzilla and a '61 Ford Fairlane and Sammy Davis Jr. team up to battle the Frito Bandito and God while riding motor scooters. Now get busy!
Woe be unto you if our goddess should ever complain to you again about not having enough girls in your comic book! Woe be unto you, I say! In fact, woe be unto us all!
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