And now we take the Wayback Machine back to the phantastical 1980s, when "Just Say No" was a magickal incantation taught to school children to teach them to avoid drugs and Get High On Life! "Crack Busters" was typical of that era; a well-meaning self-published comic book meant to teach its young readers not to take drugs, and provide a couple of pusher-hating costumed vigilantes for them to look up to.
HE LIKES IT! HEY MIKEY!!
The comic is about as well-informed as you'd expect this sort of thing to be. I mean, uh, okay, I'm no expert but I didn't think "crack" was just a slang term for "really big marijuana joint apparently rolled in the front page of the New York Times." Actually, maybe it's a normal-sized joint, and big brother Billy is actually 2 feet tall-- that would explain the gigantic lighter he lights the "crack" with. Which means little Mikey must be Thumbelina. No wonder the drugs killed him!
This is the story of two ex-jocks, one a computer tycoon (hey! this IS the 80s!) the other a washed-up pro football player who probably wasn't very bright to begin with, since he says the words "Canadian Football League" and "fame and fortune" in the same sentence. Dude. I've seen the cars the guys on the Hamilton Ti-Cats drive. I guess they MUST be spending their "big bucks" on drugs, because it sure ain't going into their ten-year-old Chevy hatchbacks. Seriously, God love the CFL but what the fuck.
Anyway, these two clowns decide the best way to combat drug use is to act like they just stepped out of a bad self-published 80s superhero comic. Plus, they're very, very against drugs but smoking big fat
cocks cigars is okay.
GETCHA RED HOT CRACK! STEP RIGHT UP, GETCHA CRACK, RIGHT HERE!
Luckily for our heroes, the crack dealers in this city are about as low-key as street corner preachers or carnival barkers, and the neighbourhood kiddies come rushing up waving the dollar Mom gave them as if he was the Good Humor Man. And luckily for the readers, Crack Buster gives the same witty one-liners every other self-published superhero in the 80s gave as they beat up some scrawny, hapless hoodlum.
Of course, since all drug pushing is the work of one evil head criminal dressed like the Spectre, you can't go around beating up loud-mouthed crack dealers... sorry, "operatives"... without some pretty serious consequences.
Meanwhile, the computer tycoon institutes an exciting, original new plan for his company to fight the drug scourge... namely, if you see an employee weaving around in the hall, singing "How Dry I Am" and smelling like a distillery, maybe you should have a chat with him about his performance. Those TPS forms aren't going to get written by themselves you know!
Oh, yeah, about those serious consequences I mentioned earlier. Spectre Wannabe hired a paid killer to take care of the Crack Busters, who is really scary and looks like a skeleton except that he keeps these huge blades under his coat sleeves and probably does more damage to himself than to his "marks". Also, he totally didn't see that guy was going to hit him with the pooper scooper. I guess being evil doesn't necessarily make you not-stupid.
I really like his outfit. What is that, a pullover hoodie tucked into sweat pants? Nice.
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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