Hey kids! Are you tired of tying your shoes? Hey grownups! Are you tired of teaching kids how to tie shoes? Well, listen everybody, here's a promotional comic book trying to sell you a product with your name all over it! That is, if your name is a trademarked line of shoes. And it might be!
Today we're playing the game "what if Deadpool was a shoe-based superhero" and the prize is the Z Strap, that amazing shoe from Skechers with Velcro (or "hook and loop fasteners" as the Velcro corporation would have you call them, since Velcro is a registered trademark of the privately held Velcro company) instead of shoelaces. Join us as our hero uses Strap Power to save cheerleaders, and surprisingly happy dogs and old men.
This is a for-real shoe store promotional comic book, the absolute best kind of comic book, because when you're a kid, shoe shopping is THE WORST - it's boring, the store smells weird, some stranger is putting your feet into something called a "Brannock Device", and the only bright spot is a free March Of Comics comic starring Cracky. And maybe getting an egg out of that Red Goose Shoes vending machine.
The incredible "Z Matrix" is not only the linch-pin of the Zegaloid's invasion strategy, but also the source of Comic Sans? I KNEW that was some sort of alien plot! On the plus side, the Z Matrix has taken Jason's boring regular-laced off-brand shoes and transformed them into those amazing Skechers shoes that all the kids are talking about.
Look, all these guys want to do is have coffee and donuts, maybe if they invade the Earth it's just to give us more coffee and donuts. I say let them come on down. I could use a donut.
Shoelaces were created by advanced beings from beyond the stars, because obviously primitive man couldn't have come up with this sort of thing on his own.
Look Jason, either you get made fun of because you have a girlfriend, or you get made fun of because you DON'T have a girlfriend. That's just how it is with little sisters.
It's up to Dad to use his paternal authority and bring peace to this strife-ridden household by using the time-honored tactic of Distracting Them With The TV.
Slow News Day continues at Channel 2 Action News as a middle school football game is interrupted by a giant tangled outer-space shoelace. I'll take the shoelace, thanks.
Jason's a normal tween, or a teenager of indeterminate age. A little parental defiance and some running off without explanation is perfectly normal. Don't worry too much, Mom and Dad, it's all part of growing up.
Jason hides behind the garage and (a) takes his first puff of cigarettes he swiped from Mom's purse, (b) has a tentative swallow of what he thinks is whisky but is actually cooking sherry, or (c) investigates the Playboy that didn't quite get delivered all the way to the next door neighbors. Or maybe he'll turn into a shoe-based superhero, fine, whatever.
Dang it, now Gabby knows his secret; you know she's gonna demand to be a girl-shoe-based superhero, and those are nothing but ballet flats and tacky sandals decorated with rainbows and unicorns!
Z Strap shoes don't need lacing or tying or any effort from your hands whatsoever! Just whip that ankle around and you're good to go. This actually seems pretty awesome! Remind me again why grownups aren't wearing these things?
Remember kids, always wear your helmet when whipping yourself along streets and sidewalks at furious speeds with your Z Matrix Straps. What's that? Z Strap isn't wearing a helmet? Sorry, this is a shoe seling comic, not a giveaway safety comic.
Football players, compact cars, even band nerds are powerless to stop The Tangler. Is there no hope for humanity?
Oh no it's a double knot! The absolute worst kind of knot to have to attempt to untie if you've spent your whole life wearing velcro shoes and have no knowledge of tying knots! Dang it parents, teach your children about knots!
HANDY COMIC ART TIP - Grass is hard to draw, so just throw some stock photos of lawns in there.
The first rule of superheroing is to NEVER reveal your secret identity to your girlfriend, unless you're in one of these modern superhero movies, where you can just whip your mask off halfway through the second reel.
I know the Tangler is an artifical being created to conquer and destroy, but look at the poor guy, he's only got a thumb and two fingers. That's gotta suck.
Ah yes, the old "prance around the bad guy until he gets confused and eventually bored" trick. Works every time.
And thus the Tangler becomes... the tangled! Honestly, double knots are this much trouble? You kids need some Scout Merit Badge earning time, get some of that sheepshank action going on. Might come in handy, there's no Velcro - sorry, Velcro is trademarked, "hook and loop fasteners" in the wild, unless you count those burdock seeds which stick to your clothes and were the inspiration for Velcro in the first place.
Look Z Strap, she's in the middle of cheerleading what I think is a Pop Warner football game, she can't just ditch her squad and walk over the photo of grass in her Skechers to have pizza with a masked mystery skateboarder, also wearing Skechers!
Jason's plan to steal his own kinda-but-not-really-girlfriend is derailed by the kinda-but-not-really-girlfriend herself! Now I'm confused. Here's Gabby to set us straight!
It's preteen blackmail and tea parties from now on for Z Strap and his amazing world-saving footwear. Can YOU handle your annoying little sister without Skechers and the Z Strap? Why take chances - get your pair today!
This was only the beginning of Z Strap's adventures! He starred in a series of animated TV ads for Skechers, and then he grew up and he and Jenny got married and on their wedding day he had to tie his dress shoes and he DIDN'T KNOW HOW. Don't be like Jason! Learn to tie knots!
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