This week we take a look at MAJOR INAPAK THE SPACE ACE, one of the only comic book space heroes to be named after a packaged chocolate drink mix.
Inapak was some kind of sludgey disgusting 50s wannabe Ovaltine that was advertised through this giveaway comic book. You can still buy Ovaltine, but Inapak? Gone, daddy-o.
This giveaway, by golden age great Bob "Henry Brewster" Powell, was at one time a hot collectible, and then somebody found a warehouse full of them. Suddenly the speculators looked stupider than usual.
Electric lights, atom bombs, television and... chocolate drinks. What will science think of next. I'm still waiting for those atom-powered ships and trains. TRAINS! Because those never derail.
As we can see from this expository panel, by 1982 the West was threatening Russia with nuclear blackmail, and we had machines that could hear sounds through the vacuum of space. Also of note: the World's Fair in Knoxville.
Denver - destroyed? I've got to launch my spaceship at once! Legions of chocolate-drink fans are counting on me!
Behind this Denver-destroying menace is Roxtyl, leader of the planet Lunrak, who is green and has confusing methods of telling time.
I'm wondering if Major Inapak picked up his stilted "you will occasion me to use force" dialog from the same place he picked up the notion of merely arresting somebody for trying to destroy the entire Earth. Yup, a few months in the slammer will straighten Roxtyl right out.
Thanks to the kid stowaway, Inapak is able to use his chocolatey muscles to open a "pak" of whup-ass on their Lunrakian asses. Earth is saved!
"... and if they mess up just ONE GRAIN of salt at the factory, you DIE!" Major Inapak takes time out from whupping aliens to spread urban legends.
I am almost positive that water puts out a fire by removing the oxygen necessary for combustion, but god forbid I should argue with Professor Nesquik here.
That's kind of a predatory gleam in Inapak's eye there, he's saying if we know what's good for us we'll huff this sludge down or he'll give us what he gave Roxtyl, and no foolin'.
And what have we learned today? Never listen to science lectures given by spacemen named after chocolate drinks, and never speculate in stupid giveaway comics.
Now you can buy Stupid Comics merchandise from the Mister Kitty Stupid Store, your One-Stop Stupid Shop!!
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