This Spire Christian Comic by Al Hartley is from some kind of alternate Archie universe where Big Ethel was chasing Archie instead of Jughead. It was part of a big summer cross-over event called "Double Ultimate Countdown World Secret War Ethel" in which Big Moose died and was reborn as Dark Moose while Betty and Veronica were revealed to be space aliens in disguise and Reggie hit Archie so hard it broke the fabric of the space-time continuum. Much better than those silly kids comics!

That's right, Big Ethel - put your hair up in curlers and think of your Archie Dream Wedding. Good thing the Al Hartley Betty is such a goody-goody, or she'd punch your lights out!

It's at this point in the tract that we begin to understand exactly why Big Ethel can't get a date. Namely, because she's a self-obsessed drama queen.

That's right, Big Ethel - it's ALL ABOUT YOU. Not the fifteen sodas. Jeez, ATTENTION WHORE MUCH??!

Inspired by her divalicous behavior, Big Ethel experiences what appears to be an LSD-inspired double-truck hallucination in which she's transformed into a glamorous sex symbol. Used to be this only happened in Mexico, but nowadays you can get these operations done anywhere.

Oh, the rich glamorous big shot is unhappy. What a shocking development, Al Hartley. You have surprised us all with your ironic twist of fate.

Honey, you want to dial that down a bit, you've got it set to "whore". Try somewhere below "tramp", see how that works for you.

You know when you're loaded, but you're really empty? It's like that time you were happy, but you were really sad, or like that one time you were rich, but actually you were really poor. This one time I got sick, but I was really well, and it seemed like I went to New Jersey, except I was actually in Arizona the whole time, and then I punched this guy right in the mouth, but in reality instead I was giving him five whole dollars. I hate when that happens. I would also like to point out that yes, Dream Big Ethel, you ARE in a make-believe world, you're in a DREAM.

Clutching the Good Book to her ample bosom, Dream Glam Big Ethel prepares to cope with all the hurt in the world! Starting with the hurt caused by this comic book!

Back in the "real world", surprise guest star Dilton abandons his scientific rationality for the kind of self-centered theology that made David Koresh famous. Who cares what others say? I have a hot line to God's Brain! While you're at it, find out what God thinks of that giant pompadour. The answer may surprise you.

I bet everybody would see things differently if they adopted the vacant, glassy-eyed stare of the Hartley People. Big smiles, everybody! Let's be sunbeams for Al Hartley Jesus, who is cheaper than therapy, has none of the side effects of Prozac or Zoloft, and is available without a prescription or any knowledge of what that big "Bible" book actually says.