As an adult I find that paying taxes is about the awesomest thing ever. You feel the pride of ownership every time you drive down a highway or pilot a ten million dollar fighter plane off the deck of a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier. But one of the greatest things your tax dollars do is- pay for comic books! YES!

Worried about the terrible physical condition of Canadian children and yet unwilling to risk the inevitable public outcry that would arise from taking the obvious step of dynamiting every Tim Horton's, Ontario's Ministry Of Health reaches out to Canada's youth with the exciting adventures of the Clubhouse Kids! These wide-awake youngsters, however, are shoved aside by the book's REAL star, "The Wiz" and his assistant whose name is either "Jeepers" or "Jeeper", and who live only to spy on children.

It's a big Saturday night down at the Wizard's place - spy on a 10-year old girl and dress up like the Tooth Fairy.

This is why you should make sure your home has storm windows and screens - to keep out fat beardo wizards who invite you to a party "in his mouth." CHILDREN - NEVER TAKE TRIPS INSIDE STRANGE MEN'S MOUTHS.

This is connected to some kind of fetish, I think.

So every time you brush my teeth you kill millions of tiny micro-organisms. How long before PETA finds out about this?

Eating a candy bar the size of your arm is a great way to liven up ANY party.

And here comes the "educational" part. BORING! What new evil plan will the Wiz come up with next? Please let it involve super heroes.


Jeepers becomes fake Captain Dynamo to convince children to eat junk food! Actually, this is a fairly accurate depiction of snack food advertising - Spiderman and Captain America shilling Hostess Fruit Pies, et cetera. Luckily for America's health nobody is going to eat more than one Hostess Fruit Pie, because they're nasty.

Giant chin man breaks windows and tells us to eat candy - I'm switching to HIS 4 food groups! Slim Goodbody never broke any windows!

When your orange track suit no longer fits, that's how you know you're eating too much cake. But you can just keep wearing it anyway, millions of people do. Don't believe me? Visit your local Wal-Mart sometime.

Clues this comic was produced in 1990 - non-ironic use of the word "totally".

Luckily the real Captain Dynamo shows up and prevents the fake Captain Dynamo from delivering a boring speech about food groups. I mean, think about it. How much more can you say besides "Candy, cookies, chips, and cake?" Maybe a penetrating argument about good they taste?

The Wiz transforms himself into what appears to be a walking pile of excrement. I think I read this in a Don Martin comic once.

You made a decision to watch 12 straight hours of TV? I think your brain was hurting before you even turned the TV on, pal.

SIGNS YOU'RE READING A MINISTRY OF HEALTH COMIC BOOK - kid gets into dream time machine, and asks where the seat belt is.

And here we are in the year 2000! There are giant televisions with hundreds of channels, more video games than anybody could possibly play, and junk food delivered straight to your house!
Actually this is pretty much exactly how things turned out.

Having trouble relating to this comic? Simply replace "TV" with "World of Warcraft." CAN'T LEAVE HOUSE - GOING ON RAID WITH CLAN-BROOD TO BATTLE ERKLON THE ZYGLOTIC TRANSMODRIGOR!!

"Smile for us Future Rod!" AUUUGHGHGHHGHGHHH!!!! So remember kids, stay away from junk food, don't listen to fake superheroes, and most importantly - AVOID THE 21ST CENTURY. I can't stress this last point enough. Or you'll wind up like FUTURE ROD!