Remember the great black ink shortage of 2002? Entire reservoirs of ink were depleted in a crisis that shook the printing world to its very foundations. Well, now we know the truth behind this ink depletion - the publication of the darkest, blackest, inkiest comic ever!!
Yup, it's the Tomb Teens, the teeniest tombsters to ever tomb up out of that teen! And hey, it looks like one of those self-published comics that blew through somebody's college fund and is probably regretted to this day. But they wanted $3.99 for it so that means we get to make fun of it, at least four bucks worth.
The deal here is that Dracula (and his wife, the former Madge Hillenlooper of Waukesha, WI) had two children who became teenagers and then Dracula and his wife conveniently left town so that this comic wouldn't be nothing but panels of Dracula hollering YOU KIDS KEEP THAT NOISE DOWN and I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS COFFIN AROUND and WHO'S TURN WAS IT TO TAKE THE TRASH OUT? even though that would be pretty awesome.
Dracula's daughter is named "Asprin."
Invoking the dark forces, "Asprin" changes her childhood toys into evil monsters. Since "Asprin" is herself an evil monster starring in a comic about evil monsters, this shouldn't be a big deal, but that's all they have to work with here, so they're going with it.
Apparently Dracula is too cheap to get his son the corrective eye surgery he so desperately needs. Who would have believed the Lord Of Darkness would turn out to be such a tightwad?
Hey cool the demon toys are after me! No get off me you demon toys! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, COMIC!
Again. Dracula, get this kid to a optometrist. Or an opthamologist. Whichever. Just do it.
"Maybe, cause we use to torment them!" Because you use WHAT to torment them? Don't make me diagram all your sentences, Tomb Teens!
And remember, every word ending in "s" gets an apostrophe. Except contractions. IT'S THE PUNCTUATION OF THE DAMNED
Nothing like a satisfying ending to a satisfying story, right? And this comic has... NOTHING LIKE A SATISFYING ENDING. Thank you, I'm here all week. So are there any other fun Tomb Teens we have yet to meet? why I believe there's one more!
Yes, it's "Zabrina The Eat Me Underwear Girl"! Soon to be starring on a universe of licensed character merchandise. Nothing the kids like more than a freakish shaven-headed screaming goth with suggestively themed underpants!
So let's bid farewell to Tomb Teens, and wish them well in their future endeavours, which may or may not include romantic evenings spent with a skull-pommelled knife, a bottle of poison... and you.
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