I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM BASED COMICS!! Specifically free giveaway comics from CARVEL! I don't hear you screaming. Okay, maybe nobody screamed for free giveaway comics from Carvel. But I sure hope you asked politely and said "thank you" to the nice man.

Yes it's CARVEL COMICS, brought to you by the Carvel Corporation, brainchild of the world reknowned Tom Carvel, whose gravel-voiced narration made Carvel TV commercials an entertaining touchstone for many a television generation youth. For maximum fun just pretend everything you read from now on is being spoken in Tom Carvel's gruff Lawnguyland accent!

Hey, it's THE GREATEST SCHOOL FIELD TRIP EVER, to an ice cream store down the block. That is some fine edumacation there. Note the embarrassed downcast look on Mrs. Chaperone's face; even she knows this whole expedition is not even the slightest bit justifiable under even the laziest scholastic guidelines.

"Just so we show who are visitors are?" That sentence is missing some vital elements, or Carvel has found an amazing way to get around those child labor laws.

It's when the various ice cream confections come to life and start gettin' all bitchy with each other that you know Carvel has been spiking their "Lolly Lollapaloozas" and "Mikey Icy Wycys" with "Lenny LSD" and "Harry Hashish."

Little men are flying around in frozen dairy treats, a tiny busty lady has a dish for a face, and your question is, "Did they have ice cream when my grandfather was a kid?" That's your only question?

Remember Mom and Dad, ice cream is health food! We swear to God! If you can't trust talking ice cream, who can you trust?

So according to this comic book, milk contains butter. Not "is used to MAKE butter" but actually has butter right in there, floating around in big chunks. Hey, maybe it does. Once MY milk gets chunky I tend to throw it out, so who knows?

Ooh, Carvel has a SECRET FORMULA. Because you need a top secret scientific formula to sell ice cream to kids, they won't touch it otherwise.

It's like magic the way whipped dairy confection is extruded at pressure from this machine! Not so magic: the manly, hairy arms of your Carvel owner-operator, a strange touch of realism in an otherwise fanciful comic. Everybody was hairy like this in the 70s. Look it up kids.

You went to school? No I didn't mean the one-day course Carvel makes you take, I mean, you didn't drop out of high school? You actually got some kind of educational completion certificate, and yet THIS is the best career you could get, making little ukeleles out of ice cream? Wow. Damn.

Again with the whole business of trying to make us think that seeing a guy dump product mix into a machine is some sort of educational experience. On the other hand I guess all those kids are now qualified to open their own Carvel franchise. All they need is the thirty thousand dollar franchise fee - they already have the hat!

Of course to be a Carvel manager you have to memorize this complicated list of Carvel Characters, their names, ingredients, back stories, and who's sleeping with who. The kids all know it, and you'd better know it too or they'll take their business to Baskin-Robbins!

Remember to enjoy Carvel Creamy Cake Favorites in the sepia-toned wonderland of 1973! And yes, this was before the introduction of Fudgy The Whale (tm) and Cookie Puss (tm), so sadly, these popular treats did not appear in our comic. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to find my nearest Carvel store and see what Miss Bonita Banana Barge is up to these days - last I checked, about 1000 calories and 24 grams of saturated fat. MMM-mmmm.