I don't even know where to begin with this one. Maybe we should just start with the cover.

Okay so there's a computery logo with a mushroom atom bomb cloud. "The Foton Effect". What is the Foton Effect? An inability to spell scientific terms correctly? Or does it have something to do with the giant red guy who is punching a yellow guy who leaped at him and shooting another yellow guy in the face while a green guy in an orange suit covers his face in horror? Perhaps he's shielding himself from The Foton Effect.

We hope you enjoy this story. Thank you for your understanding. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without written permission from Aced Comics. Because there are legions of copyright thieves waiting to steal The Foton Effect, right?

So right away we know we're in trouble, because we're millions of years ago, in the Andromeda Galaxy, where crimes are being committed - crimes against art, coherence, readability, and caption placement. What is the verdict?

Guilty! You can choose death or exile to the planet Foton.

I'll take death, chief; I've read this comic book.

Here's a tip for beginning comic writers - don't start small. Your first comic book story should be set in another galaxy and span tens of thousands of years of political and social turmoil, involving revolutions, galactic communist governments, nuclear radiation mutating people into neanderthals, atomic interplanetary war, a kill-or-be-killed prison planet, and 2-page spreads of text to explain it all. Dream big!

Let's meet our cast. Nothing like ugly beast-men with unpronounceable names to really get the reader excited about the next 9 issues of your 10-part maxi series.

Here's a comic book storytelling tip - a collage of floating guns adds a pleasant, whimsical touch to your brutal tale of condemned gladiators.

And if you can't think up a fake space religion for the Andromeda Galaxy, just use "Jesus" and explain it away with footnotes.

Gee, I hate it when a teleportation accident occurs and abody is halfed. I also hate it when spelling and grammar accidents occur. Aaarrgh.

And so the battle begins, the caption says, and that's helpful because the artwork isn't really that coherent at this point.

Hey, aspiring comic book artists - work out in advance what size your comic book is to be printed, so that you can avoid having giant wasted areas of white space on your page.

Or don't. Whatever.


Already there, thanks. Already there.

On the other hand, maybe this comic book isn't so bad. How many comics set millions of years ago in the Andromeda Galaxy would take the time to show us the annoyance of losing one's batteries?

Here's another tip for aspiring comic book artists - work out rough page layouts in advance so that you aren't forced to shove giant wads of expository dialog into one panel. Gee, if only this comic had some empty white space for us to use!

It's good to know that even in the Andromeda Galaxy, Carlton cigarettes are widely available.

Oh, how sad, our glasses-wearing audience identification figure has lost his girlfriend in the random gunfire attack. On a positive note, however, now that he's being drawn with a series of swipes from super-hero comics, his physique has improved considerably.

Here we see how bullies are bullies whether you're on Planet Foton in the Andromeda Galaxy, or whether you're in study hall trying to finish writing your amazing comic book epic about Planet Foton in the Andromeda Galaxy. But the question remains - does he find water?

Yes! Yes he does.

Meanwhile, how fares the rest of our gang of marooned convicts?

Here a big dumb guy sits down and tries to remember what food is. That's correct readers, this comic book is going out of its way to poke fun at somebody for being dumb. This comic book should LOOK IN THE GODDAMN MIRROR

Meanwhile Mullet Man strokes his froglike chin and extrapolates the size of the planet based on seeing some trees near a desert. Keep working that nonexistent chin there, Mullety.

And here we're treated to horrifying bird-man's soliloquy on how he tried at one point to have sex with birds. So at this point I think I've figured out what "The Foton Effect" is, and it's disgust. Maybe a little repulsion. That's the effect I'm getting, anyway.

On the outskirts of town, past the crumbling remains of the comic book shop that paid for the production of this very comic book, the big bully and our bespectacled hero make their way into the desert. Will they ever learn to set aside their fussin' and feudin' and team up to survive the horrors of Planet Foton? Can humanity's extremes - the nerd and the bully - work together for the common good, bringing hope for us all?

Nope. Just shoots him point blank.

And that's the end of our story - no "to be continued", no nothing. Well, there is this:

Nothing but the promise of ugly, scarred crocodile-men glaring out at the reader, daring him or her to spend $1.50. Sadly, The Foton Effect would not last out its promised ten issues, ending with #3. So I guess our rag-tag band of fugitives never reached Paradise 7, unless that's what they're calling fifty-cent boxes at comic book stores.