It's October, and that means it's time we dug a scary story out of the vault to horrify and confuse. Mostly confuse.

Step right up and meet the dragon! What's that, Mister Disembodied Head Man? You don't seem pleased to meet the dragon. Or to be missing your body.

China, exotic land of strange customs! It's just like the pictures... the pictures that apparently were not provided to the artist, because this is all the China you're going to see in this story. Would it have killed you to spend a half-hour at the library? Leaf through a National Geographic? Swipe from "Terry & The Pirates"? I suppose it would.

Here in the exotic Oriental land of mystery and strangeness, the very first thing you'll do is hop onto an American bus full of Americans and take an American style tour run by an American company. Why didn't you just stay home and ride the #6 up and down Main Street?

It must have been tough for our leading man here - he spent eight or nine hours on that airplane without talking to a SINGLE AMERICAN. Thank goodness there were some fellow Americans around, or he might have had to have some kind of weird, foreign conversation with an Asian person!

Think about those narrow streets, those teeming masses of wretched humanity slaving for a bowl of rice! Then open your eyes and look at these comic book panels, which depict nothing of the sort. You are not even trying here, comic.

Mandarin, pagoda, opium den, rice shops (??)... quick, what's something else they have in Hong Kong? Tong dens! Tong dens. Okay, we're good, that's all the exotic Oriental background we need for THIS story.

Here in China - you can tell because that sign says "China" in real Oriental lettering - you can visit the tunnels where dragon worshippers used to sacrifice victims to their dragon god. We're now at the point where our story switches from lazily half-assing its way through Chinese culture to simply making crap up and hoping the readers' parents never sprung for the "C" edition of the World Book Encyclopedia.

"Can you imagine? People believing in TUNNELS. These primitive Orientals will swallow anything!"

Isn't that just like Bill? He gets a girl alone in a dark tunnel used for horrific human sacrifice by dragon-worshipping Orientals, and all he can think about is kissing.

And now Bill has the girl right where he wants her, frightened of the horrifying dragon and holding onto him with all his might. Breaking his ribs. Steady, Lola, steady!

Oh my god Lola has turned into a dragon - some kind of a dragon drawn without the slightest attempt at approximating the appearance of any sort of Chinese dragon, because that would involve five or ten minutes of research - and is going to sacrifice Bill! To herself! Classic Lola.

Let's draw the curtain on that scene, and take a look at our next American victim getting into Hong Kong, immediately getting onto the American bus to take the American bus tour so as to have the least amount of contact with this strange foreign nation he decided to visit for some reason.

Sorry, I'm rooting for the dragons here. Go dragons!